Sunday, June 29
Saturday, June 28
- Human Soup for the Chicken's Soul
- 30 Minute Meals: Cooking for Little People
- Mao and Other Animal Sounds
- Look Me in the Brown Eye: My Life with Ass Burgers
- Born Lying Down: A Passive Aggressive's Life
Wish me luck!
Friday, June 27
Thursday, June 26
Wednesday, June 25
Tuesday, June 24
The scenario usually goes as follows: I have just completed a food object. Then, someone needs to speak with me. Oh no. No time for a cleansing drink, not even gum. I am distracted through the entire conversation because of the fear that a particle is smiling at the other person. Having food in one's teeth is embarassing and gross. People wonder, "How long has that been there?" (Please see Emperor's New Groove if you didn't get this reference.) And they would be in the right. If you don't have the common sense to think about stuck food, you deserve the awkward you've-got-something-in-your-teeth talk and then the embarassing "here?" "here?" "did I get it?" All the while moving your tongue about in your mouth like a bovine. Eventually I just give up trying to tell people where it is because I don't want to keep watching.
Sunday, June 22
Yesterday I bought a fabulous new dress; a pretty coral color, super summery. However, I have no shoes to go with it. Picture my beautiful dress with my hated black flats which I am forced to wear to work (because of the stupid dress code) and then out to dinner with friends (because I don't have time to change). They just don't go. I have my adorable green sandals, but the green and coral clash. And I have 5 or so pairs of various black pumps, but they seem too harsh for the breezy look. So, the solution is:
The combination of pink and orange flowers will go with everything that my green sandals do not. They are perfect for cool whites, bright oranges, and perky pinks. Barring extreme discomfort at the initial try-on (although that rarely deters me) I think I'll buy them tomorrow.
Saturday, June 21
- I must shred everything containing our names (per Tom and his paranoia...although I can't really argue with him anymore as we found a man going through our dumpsters)
- Our shredder is shit
- Our filing system is um, shit
- I secretly enjoy the piles of mail (especially the J. Crew catalogues)
You see, these piles of mail let people know that people live in a given area. If some visitor/burglar dropped in they would want to know that we are still in residence. This is what the mail tells them: "Hello. We have mail, so we obviously live here." Not that we want to TELL burglars that, but perhaps it would scare them into thinking we could, at any moment, return home. I think it's best to leave the piles - for protection.
Friday, June 20
45 calorie bread
clear nail polish
See - that is no fun. Nothing yummy, nothing interesting. I'm sorry you had to read that.
Thursday, June 19
Wednesday, June 18
- your teeth get super duper clean
- the consistent care of your teeth pays off when you don't have any cavities
- you are complimented on white teeth and beautiful gums
You also receive a new toothbrush, floss, and toothpaste. As well as peace of mind that your teeth are healthy and plaque free.It is rumored that dentists have the highest suicide rate because of the long standing cultural discomfort of going to the dentist. For example, the dentist asks, "How are you doing today?" and the patient replies, "Well, I'm here, so not very good." Obviously that would make a person a little sad day after day. As much as I love the dentist (and my enthusiasm is perhaps as high as possible), I understand this sentiment; I hate flouride treatments, and getting cavities drilled out and then filled is very awkward/painful. However, dentists often go unappreciated for the excellent service they provide for society. Even though certain aspects of dentistry are undesirable, they are necessary for oral health. The next time you're at the dentist, don't forget to rinse, spit, and say "thank you."
Tuesday, June 17
Somehow most women manage to get their hair colored, shower, shave (in more than one area), paint their nails, get pedicures, whiten their teeth, do their hair in fancy styles, dress super cute, wear uncomfortable shoes and ... the list never ends. Sure some of these things are fun and we women do them because we love it. However, some of it is a pain in the ass (like plucking/waxing our eyebrows) and we still manage to get the shit done.
So please, men out there, cut your fucking fingernails.
Sunday, June 15
Saturday, June 14
Friday, June 13
It's a mystery. And this unfortunate phenomenon always seems to happen when I'm in a rush to get to my destination. There are few things I hate more than people driving slow. If you're too stupid and/or scared to drive fast in the fast lane - get out of the fast lane. If you're too stupid and/or scared to move out of the fast lane - don't get in it. If you're too stupid and/or scared to drive on the freeway - don't. Just don't do it. Stick to city streets and enjoy your leisurely pace to wherever it is you're going with plenty of time to spare. I, however, am in a pretty big fucking hurry. Please get out of my way.
Thursday, June 12
According to the CDC, "Salmonella can enter tomato plants through roots or flowers and can enter the tomato fruit through small cracks in the skin, the stem scar, or the plant itself." Lovely. Salmonella can cause abdominal pain, nausea, diarrhea, and could possibly bring about typhoid fever and paratyphoid fever. So...obviously it should be avoided at all costs. But how do you avoid it when you don't eat meat, eggs, or, in general, many animal products (where salmonella is usually found) and yet it still pops up in vegetables! Which should be SAFE! I'm telling you, friends, this sucks.
Wednesday, June 11
Tuesday, June 10
Monday, June 9
1. walking super fast
3. yelling a lot
4. having sex (perhaps this could be rolled into #3)
Please shut your damn mouth. No one wants to smell the odor of your breath. Everyone hates your breath. Whether it smells good OR bad, it is a private thing - similar to the smell of one's genitalia; only to be shared in the most intimate of situations. Breathe through your nose...and quietly. I work with a man who I can continuously hear breathing. Granted, he's not breathing through his mouth (thank God) but the sound of air whistling through his nose is so prominent I often think there is a draft.
If you find yourself needing to breathe through your mouth when you are not doing one of the approved activities, please get yourself to a gym so you can improve your lung capacity. Now.
Sunday, June 8
- waking when one wants
- writing and/or reading
- watching the Sunday news shows
- eating brunch
My last 8 Sundays have been awful. I have been doing this weight contest thing with my friends at work. I hate it. Originally meant to help inspire us all to lose a specific amount of weight (first 3 pounds and then 2 pounds each week) it has become a dreaded Sunday event. Sunday is weigh day. The day I get to show all my friends just how weak and pathetic I am. I have paid (oh yes, we pay if we don't make the weight) around 70 (that's SEVENTY) dollars - in cash. I am sick to death of not being able to enjoy a Sunday morning with Tom. Because the weigh-in is at work, I can't eat all day. It sounds as awful as it is. No more eggs, no more coffee, no more yummy muffins. Just air. I can't even drink a fucking Diet Coke. The whole situation is just pissing me off. Praise Jesus that today is the last one. Finito. I am done.
Saturday, June 7
- packing of any kind
- sorting of any kind
- box buying
- dis-as-sem-ble-ment of objects
- moving of said un-disassembled objects
This list looks at me and tells me to get my ass in gear. The downside to List's yells and pleas is that Ass lacks ears or sound receptacles of any kind, so nothing gets done...or even started.
Friday, June 6
"Friday June 6 Hoggle Zoo night, 6-9. It would be so fun if you are still here. Love ya" no period.
It was fun. We strolled around at a leisurely pace; the umbrella seconding as a makeshift cane for my mom. Dad bought a silly hat. Austin rode the train two times, rode the carousel on a buffalo (or is it bison?), and danced around in general merriment. Mid-zoo I was struck with the fact that this is it - my entire family. We are completely invested in each other because there is nothing else. This emotional banking is simultaneously beautiful and frightening. The unusualness of my home life can be difficult but in its very randomness is the wonderful design of a family of our own making.
Thursday, June 5
Alan is a rare individual. He is single and devout - almost like a monk. He participates faithfully in his church and works hard. He has never been married - never even had a girlfriend from everything I can gather. He is quiet and sort of un-ordinary. He lived with his parents all his life, except for a brief time he lived with us. And of course, now, because Grandma and Grandpa are deceased, he finds himself alone in his already lonely life. I think he was closer to them than any of the rest of us because he knew them the most intimately, making their deaths difficult, to say the least.
Today is Alan's birthday. And I made sure the family (all 5 of us) were able to gather for singing, gift giving, and partaking of cake. I hope he enjoyed himself, because even though our relationship is an awkward one, I love him. And I want him to be happy.
Wednesday, June 4
Tuesday, June 3
No. They are completely separate. Secondary oxygen man pays and leaves. Original oxygen man then goes up to the counter to pay as well. As he turns to leave, he forgets his backpack. But remembers when he remembers that it is attached to his nose via hose.