I had just finished my final (FINAL) exam, the project was already turned in, and as I packed up my laptop (slipped into my soon-to-die Hello kitty case), I was feeling odd. I thought I would feel immense relief and joy at my accomplishments over the past two years; hard work pays off. Instead my feelings are so mixed, I find myself sitting here -- thirty minutes later -- still crying.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Oh wait, I know.
- I am now a grown up. Ahead of me I have endless possibilities. I suppose my education has been a stop gap for the inevitable risks and fears the future holds, as well as a stepping stone into a brighter future. Learning is so solid, so structured. Something I love. I can feel the pressure of "success" and finding a high paying job weighing down on me so heavily, it's a wonder I haven't had a panic attack. Now that I have an MBA, I have no excuses to not succeed, therefore, I MUST succeed or I'll be a failure.
- I will miss all my classmates. I had a team of four guys that were my saving grace. They helped me, or carried me, through a couple of my classes. Without them, I would have either sunk or killed myself through the technical courses. I will miss the classroom itself. A place where we all come to learn and unwind from work. Snack night. Cracking a Diet Coke mid class to stay awake. Sharing the markers in economics for the graphs. Studying on Sundays. I will miss the professors. I've never had teachers and students work together so well to enhance the learning experience.
- I will miss the school work. I have a love/hate relationship with homework. I love to be lazy, but I can't stand it. And I love to work hard -- but only after I've delayed as long as possible. School work is not like work work. You can procrastinate and procrastinate and then feel the biggest satisfaction when it comes back: A. I will miss writing papers with a cocktail.
But the future is bright, friends. And my tears are just a manifestation of the immense promise ahead.
I am learning French. I will be fluent someday.
I will learn to play the cello.
Someday I'll have a couple beautiful babies.
I will write the next great American novel.
Besides, (sniff sniff) my husband is still in school so I can live vicariously through him.