Friday, October 31


Hopefully today won't be too boring
As I am wearing a beautiful Antoinette-esque dress my friend made.
People at work are dressing up, but not the
People I work with - although my manager will.
Yay! for the end of October. I'm

Happy that the month is
At an end. It marks the
Loveliness of November;
Leaves crunching
On the ground and
Windows frosted over.
Everyone will meet with loved ones and
Eat for Thanksgiving. Yes,
November is much better than October.

Wednesday, October 29

The Duchess

Having been left to my own devices (Tom had to go into work at the last minute) and not wanting to be stuck in the house with food and all the problems that could bring about, I decided to drop Tom off at work and then go see a movie.

What movie?

Now, I hate Keira Knightley - well, I hate her enormous jaw and occasional underbite. But I love Ralph Fiennes and I hear that she can sometimes be an exceptional actress and the movie seems to have been custom made for the demographic of me. I love that time period in Europe - Marie Antoinette (with whom the Duchess of Devonshire was good friends) and beheadings and political upheaval among the classes and fashion and excess - OH! It is just such great stuff.

And, of course, the movie did not disappoint. I was completely mesmerized for the entire film. I bought the book on the way to pick Tom up from work. Happy day.

Tuesday, October 28

Cough Cough

Tom is sick.
He is coughing a lot -
all night long and a lot.

He coughs really hard,
as though one cough
could be the last cough.

I cough very gently,
as though I'm sickly,
because I feel sickly.

The two of us are quite a pair;
cuddling in bed
coughing in bed.

Monday, October 27


I live with my father-in-law at the moment. Tonight I came home to the following note:

Shut up
I don't want to talk about it

And on the counter on the cutting board was a wallet with a fork, knife, and spoon within. I re-read the note, not exactly sure what was going on. Tom came up and I started laughing. I asked him, "What does this mean?" pointing to the note and the wallet. And then I saw the kitchen table. On the table on a towel were the contents of his wallet; receipts, money, cards. I touched the cash. It was wet.

Yes, he had washed his wallet. I suppose the silverware was in the wallet to help the inside dry. This story makes me laugh, in particular, I love the spelling error. "Shutu" followed by "Shut up." Ha ha.

Sunday, October 26

Like A Hefty Bag

Today is Sunday and that means it's Yoga Day. Now, I'm not saying that I'm the very very best yogi in the world, present or past - but I do fairly well for a pedestrian. We're in class working on wide leg forward folds - which look something like this:
and the instructor comes up behind me and starts correcting my position. This is fine; rather, lovely. I love being corrected in my position because that way I know I'm doing it right and it can be difficult to look at yourself in the mirror when you're upside down. But then she says: "You're flexible but you need to work on your strength."


Then, after class she was giving some stretching tips to my sister-in-law and I overhear her saying: "We're not naturally flexible like her (meaning me) but we're strong."

Okay, what?

I'm not naturally flexible. I had to work at it. I remember when I was in ballet I would lay in bed in frog position and fall asleep that way so that my hips would be more turned out. In class we would sit in our splits and then have someone push on our shoulders. I have stretch marks on my inner thighs as evidence of sitting against the wall with my legs split wide open for minutes at a time. I used to stand with my back to a wall and a classmate would take a leg and push it to the wall. These exercises and stretches were extremely painful and I agonized over my lack of flexibility in comparison to the other girls. But when I commented on their natural flexibility a girl told me that it still hurts - it always hurts and is uncomfortable, she just has a different level where it becomes unbearable. Flexibility is good for the body, but it takes WORK. I'm not trying to say that I'm above improvement, because I am most definitely not, but I WORK and have worked really fucking hard to be as flexible as I am - and underneath my bendiness I am strong. I've been going to yoga for a couple of years now and I work hard in class. Yoga poses take a lot of strength to hold. Does she think that I can hold my yoga poses properly because my legs are weak? Needless to say, she pissed me off. She's lucky I love yoga so much and that she is a good enough teacher that I'm willing to overlook her hated comments.

Saturday, October 25

How to Deal with Stress

Oh stress, how I hate you. You enter my life and fill it with nervous energy, heartache, headache, and obssessive compulsive habits. If you are a person like me - you get stressed about a wide range of fascinating things. Here are some ways I like to cope:

  • eating, followed by not eating
  • sleeping
  • grinding my teeth while sleeping
  • picking at my hangnails
  • tapping my fingers
  • staring off into space - mind reeling
  • running
  • pacing
  • clenching my jaw
  • putting my hand over my mouth, like I'm horrified
  • counting to 5 over and over
  • list making

Obviously these are not very effective ways in which to rid one's self of stress or dealing with stress in the present. So, as a backup plan, I have a husband who does much better than me. He usually deals with my stress and his so that I can fret in my own fashion, and he can actually DO SOMETHING. This comes in quite handy.

Friday, October 24

I'm Pushing 'Pushing Daisies'

There is nothing better for a TV-aholic than to find a new show with which to addict yourself. I have found a new one that I love.

May I introduce you to Pushing Daisies?

Ah, how I love the characters and wit and vibrant colors. The gist is this: Ned (who grows up to be a pie maker) as a small boy discovers that he has the ability to bring dead things back to life. The caveat is this: once brought back they can live for 60 seconds and then if not put back to "dead" by Ned's touch then someone else must die in their place (it's a random proximity thing). The story is this: Ned brings back his childhood sweetheart, one Charlotte Charles aka Chuck, for good and they begin living in a sort of non-touching domesticity. To earn income they bring back dead people who have been murdered in order to solve the crime and get the reward money.

Ta da! What a winner of a show. If this hasn't captured your fancy - watch the "Pie-lette" (how witty!) and see for yourself.

Thursday, October 23

1 and 2

Whilst browsing for pics for my post about peeing, I found this: Yes, they are indeed stuffed pee and poo plush toys
which you can purchase.

Apparently Pee and Poo are friends
and live in a color coordinated magical world.
I gather that they are in love -
based on the hearts
and rainbows
and outstretched arms.
Look - Pee and Poo want to give you a hug.

Wednesday, October 22

What's Wrong with Weather?

You know, weather gets an unfair profile as a boring subject. People make jokes about bad conversations where you talk about the weather - as if the conversors were unable to think of anything interesting to say. Weather also has the reputation of being the "polite" topic; proper for party small talk and distant relatives.
I for one, think the weather is a fabulous and interesting subject. It's universal appeal and lack of ability to offend makes it 100% available for discussion amongst the most diverse crowd. Not to mention that we live in a state with 4 distinct seasons and within those seasons, the weather can be quite elaborate. I talk about the weather because I am always thinking about the it and how it influences my mood/feelings/opinions. The state of my physical body allows for inner reflection and creativity. Sometimes when the snow starts to fall (even though I hate the aftermath) the beauty of it makes me feel peaceful. Or during the summer - I love the heat of a sun filled car. When it rains and the hem of my pants gets wet, I'm angry. The weather makes me feel and makes me interesting.

The weather is like a constant friend:
a friend that always has good gossip
a friend that entertains you when you're bored
a friend that saves you from awkward silences
a friend you always love - even when you're angry at them

Tuesday, October 21

A Drinking Problem

I drink too much.

Probably three or four bottles of water every day - in addition to a couple cups of coffee and another beverage of some sort. My pee has no color. And I pee all the time (see this). I know doctors and other people we're supposed to listen to say that a lot of water is good for the system, but now if I am unable to drink or if I haven't had gallons of water, I'm thirsty. Like, I'm going to DIE if I don't get some water in me right now thirsty. I hate that dry-mouth taste and I hate the feeling of needing a drink so badly. But even more than that, I hate not drinking water until I'm full to the brim.

So I guess I'll stop complaining about it, since it's self-inflicted.

Monday, October 20

Sleepy Pants

I am feeling really sleepy.
Probably because we're starting to get sick,
I think.

I don't like being sick
because I rarely take a break when sick -
everything just gets shittier.

But I love all the
sleepy time

Saturday, October 18

Late to Work

Tom has a job that has the same days off as mine and the same hours. So, he's been dropping me off at work and then heading off to his. And I'm sorry to say, but he is not very good at rushing out the door. I hate, as much as the next person, being late to work, but even more than that, I greatly dislike the rushing around before you get to the car. I mean, once you're in the car, there's not much you can do except speed a little and hope you hit the lights right. But while you're in the house - gathering all the shit you need to last for 8 hours of boredom - it's all your own fault if you're late.
And now the craziness is doubled. Not only am I running around, but Tom is also. Yelling out to each other "where is this?" and "where is that?" and "what do you want for lunch?" Then comes the inevitable shutting of the door, only to realize that one of you has forgotten something, and then the inevitable searching for keys to re-open the door, followed by frantic galloping about the house. Grrr.

Friday, October 17

Dead of Night

My husband can wait all hours before waking to pee. He can sleep in and lay in bed, all the while needing to pee, but able to wait until he is good and ready to put foot to floor.

I, on the other hand, pee like clock work at 3 in the morning.

It's dreadful. I wake out of deep sleep, hopping around finding clothes to throw on, and race to the toilet, relieving myself with a steady stream of near-colorless urine.

I'm sorry if this is grossing you out, but this is really really annoying. I hate to do anything after I'm asleep. I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, and once that hat drops, I'm closed for business. What is my bladder thinking? I feel like a little girl again; wiggling my legs to keep from peeing my pants. Perhaps my bladder needs re-training. Being a part of "me" it should know that I'm mad at it. You hear me, bladder? Go to sleep and shut the hell up. It's night time.

Thursday, October 16

You're Missing Out

It's Wednesday and it's time for a dinner with friends. And we find out that, sadly, our friend who was supposed to be going in the Peace Corps and flying away to Africa to save the world in November, found out that she is now a "no-go."

What the fuck, Peace Corps? What is your problem? If you were a person I would speak to you like a child and then yell at you. Then, perhaps I would spit.

You see, about a year or two ago Tom and I tried to go into the Peace Corps to China - and they told us no. And I would like to say that I hate them now, but I know that just comes from the anger at being rejected.

What better than to be a volunteer; spreading the goodwill (the best part) of the United States? Being able to indulge in cultural exchanges and just be your wonderful self and meet other wonderful selves and at the end of the two years you get $6000, non-competitive job eligibility, and a great add-on to the resume.

I'm sad for our friend - but you know what, it's the Peace Corps who should be sad. They are missing out on fabulous volunteers; smart, funny, witty, open-minded, and hard working. Missing out.

Wednesday, October 15

A Neeeew Caaaaaar!

After shopping and browsing around A LOT,
we finally have a new car.
And not only is it new to us -
it is brand new to the world;
a lovely 2009 Hyundai Sonata.
Korean, just like me.
How cute.

Tuesday, October 14

Sweater Shopping

Fall is only fun if you have multiple sweaters to wear. Because let's face it, in the fall the majority of people only see the sweater you're wearing over your regular clothes which no longer provide sufficient warmth.
So I'm trying to look for sweaters that I a) don't hate; b) don't itch too horribly; c) don't cost too much. You see, sweaters are something I have a hard time spending money on.

I'm not sure why this is (I feel the same way about coats). I think it's something to do with outerwear. I can't stomach the money on a clothing item that is purely seasonal. Of course, the truth is: sweaters for me are not seasonal. I'm always cold so I am usually in need of sweaters year round - especially considering that central air conditioning works overtime to provide a breeze like winter air.

So. I've got to suck it up and invest in some nice sweaters to make fall fun and keep my arms warm. If you happen to see some cute, non-itchy ones at the right price lying around, drop me a line.

Monday, October 13

So Strong

If you are a woman between the ages of 18 and 108, may I recommend a bone strengthening regimen of some kind?

We women have the unfortunate problem of losing bone density as we age and then compounding the problem by doing nothing to slow/prevent this bone density decrease. What exactly will happen if we don't slow the horrid process of thinning bones?
  • possible hunch back (gasp!)
  • broken hip
  • brittle bones
  • inability to jump around
  • osteoporosis

Of the cases of osteoporosis in the U.S., 80% are women. Yeah, that's us. See, the tricky thing is that you can't feel your bones unless they're broken. Over the years your bones are slowly deteriorating and you aren't even aware of it - unlike other aging processes like thinning hair, thinning lips, sagging breasts, fine lines, and other gems of a long life.

So, in order to kick this problem out the door, you've got to take some action and you've got to take some calcium and vitamin D. The worse thing for your bones is a sedentary lifestyle and a lack of calcium and vitamin D in your diet. Here is a list of ways I'm going to prevent bone loss and osteoporosis:

  • eat almonds (calcium)
  • eat dark green leafy veggies like broccoli (calcium)
  • enjoy a delicious calcium supplement like Viactiv
  • eat tofu (calcium)
  • drink calcium fortified orange juice
  • get some sun (vitamin D)
  • eat egg yolks (vitamin D)
  • lift weights
  • walk or jog regularly
  • climb stairs
  • dance

Sounds like fun! Show your bones some love by treating them right so they'll be sure to treat you right for years to come.

Sunday, October 12

Yoga is Yummy

I believe that if everyone did yoga
we would have world peace
yoga makes me flexible
yoga makes me feel calm
yoga releases stress
yoga makes me strong
yoga is good for my body and mind

yoga is lovely

Saturday, October 11

Weather Permitting

As if the sudden snow weren't bad enough - today I had to go my little brother's soccer game in the freezing cold bullshit weather. My huband had to work (lucky bastard) and so my old-school fam and I dove into the car and then out onto the field.

I sat huddled in shirt+sweater+sweater+blanket+hood. My mom went the coat+shirt+sweater route and my dad was in a thick coat and I'm assuming some sort of shirt as he doesn't normally go topless. And despite our best intentions - we were all freezing. My brother, however, was in his soccer gear+coat. And when I say soccer gear I mean soccer shorts.

I'm sure he's thinking that he hates soccer now because soccer=frozen knees.

Friday, October 10

Food Network

One night we're watching Comedy Central and there's a comic on and he's talking about dieting. And he mentions that when you're on a diet Food Network is like PORN. At the time, I laughed. Ha ha - so true, right?

Okay, you don't know how fucking true it is until you're averaging around 700 calories per day. PER DAY people. And no, I don't want to hear about how "that isn't enough to eat" and blah blah blah. My body and I have been frienemies for many years and I know what I need to kick my own fat ass out the proverbial door.

I love Food Network. I mean, I have always loved it because I love to cook and I love food but now it is seriously out of control. When Giada makes yummy eggplant parmesan with crusty garlic bread - I am totally glued to the screen. When Rachel Ray makes mac and cheese - I die inside with craving. My family is getting sick of Food Network being on all the time. They ask me things like "Why do you torture yourself like this?" or "You don't even cook" or "This is so boring" and so on.

Friends. I torture myself because I'm dieting so I'm always torturing myself. I don't cook because cooking veggies sucks ass. Food Network is not boring - it is keeping me from going insane. I'm logging away all the recipes and tricks so that when I'm finally off my stupid diet I can enjoy life like a regular person. I will cook. I will eat delicious food. End of story.

Thursday, October 9

What Are You Reading?

Now. Let me state for the record that I am a huge fan of the "fun" read. You know, those books that are 80% fun and 20% substance. And I love books of this sort - and I read many of them. I have read Harry Potter and Lemony Snickett and Fablehaven and Twilight...oh, no. I haven't read Twilight. And here's why.

Seems to me (and others) that some of you out there are reading these "fun" books and not enough of the other sort. You know, the sort that is 80% substance and only 20% fun. And not reading this other sort is handicapping your ability to form an interesting opinion. And then when we try to talk to you about the "fun" books you only say things like: "Oh my god, I love Edward" (or is it Edgar) and "Harry Potter is so good."
Maybe you can elaborate on your opinion?

Or maybe you think I'm being a snob (which is usually true) or that I'm being too opinionated but, in my defense, may I point out the following aspects of my character:

  1. I watch E! Television for fun
  2. I read books for fun and also often just say "I love this book. It is so good."
  3. I AM opinionated
  4. I am forced to blog about said opinions, even if they come off rude/catty/snobbish


And honestly, I was in the Enligsh department, and I really really hated those classmates who said "Oh, I haven't read Harry Potter" or "This summer I've been reading Voltaire and I love it" or other noxious sayings that made me barf into my backpack. Reading should be done for pleasure and sometimes it should be for growth - and it can always be for both.

BUT even if you are reading a fluff book - your brain can function and talk about anything in a constructive-criticism fashion. Do so. Immediately. Or I won't be asking you what you're reading.

Wednesday, October 8

Little Known Facts About My Father

My dad is an interesting guy. Today he called me while I was at the gym. I'm listening to my book on tape and then I hear the phone ringing and I answer it, panting. "Jo," he says. "I made some apple pie" and long story short he invites us over for a piece.

Did you know that my dad can make apple pie from scratch?

Yeah, he can. He also:
  • makes yummy breakfasts
  • loves dutch oven cooking
  • loves to camp
  • loves the smell of pine trees
  • loves Star Trek
  • loves Westerns
  • reads Louis Lamour books
  • does crossword and sudoku puzzles
  • wears polar bear pajamas
  • likes to wear cowboy boots
  • has a hammock
  • is bald
  • is a teaser
  • loves me no matter what
Love you too, Dad.

Tuesday, October 7

Adorable Vegetable

Most things are cuter when made smaller, like baby elephants, or tiny cars, or even a teeny wart...maybe not. But, you get the idea. So you can imagine my delight at finding mini cucumbers at my local Costco.

Oh how I love them. They are the perfect size for quickly chopping up and throwing in a salad or throwing in a tupperware to take to work. And the best part is you don't have any leftover parts of half cut up cucumber that you put in a baggie and then it gets all mushy and weird.

Cucumbers are an excellent vegetable because they are low in calories (if you worry about that sort of thing), and they taste great (if you like things that don't taste like shit). You should try cucumbers in the following ways:
  • in a salad
  • in a pasta salad
  • with Italian dressing
  • pickled (also known as a pickle)
  • on a sandwich
  • a sandwich made of cucumbers

Sunday, October 5

Closed For Business

So, you know how I'm dieting...

So everything sounds delicious to eat because you aren't really supposed to eat much - that is the nature of a diet. Sunday means it's weigh-in day and my friend and I have the brilliant idea to not eat (duh) before we weigh in and then after we make our weight for the week we will eat Cafe Rio salads which I will pick up via trip to work. Yum-O!

Okay, not so much, because Cafe Rio is fucking closed on Sunday. What?!?

As I'm falling asleep the night before I realize that I don't need to leave early for work in order to pick up our salads because no one will be in the building to accept my phone call, place my order, make my food, or accept my money. Damn. Foiled again.

Either Cafe Rio is an asshole and they don't want us to eat their salad, or they are trying to help us lose weight. If it's the latter, don't help. I hate "help" with my diet when I'm really really hungry.

Saturday, October 4

Just a Suggestion

As the weather is changing, we should do some fally things to cope with the loss of summer:
  1. Visit the remaining veggie stands
  2. Read a book with a blanket
  3. Shop for sweaters
  4. Eat squash
  5. Buy yarn
  6. Hibernate
  7. "Fall" in love

Friday, October 3

TV is Scary

You've had a long hard day and you want to unwind with your husband on the couch or in bed with some harmless television. Oh, wait, it's October and all the commercial breaks are riddled with scary images. It could be a commercial about "Quarantine" (coming soon to theatres) or a commercial about a newly opened haunted house, but it makes relaxation time none so relaxing. As soon as the scariness begins you have to leap up, looking all around for the remote, find it, and change the channel, all the while averting your eyes and trying to hum to block out the scary sounds. And don't forget that the TV is how the poltergeists sucked the little girl into their world.

See - thoughts like this are why I hate October.

Thursday, October 2


I watched the VP debate tonight.
And I have come to this conclusion:
Sarah Palin says "also" way too fucking much.
48 times - I counted.
And now I hate the word "also"
because it sounds weird -
like when you say a word over and over
and it loses its meaning and sense.

Wednesday, October 1

Enter October

I am and was a person of fears. No looking in the mirror in the dark (Bloody Mary might be looking out). No scary movies. No scary books. Nothing to spark my already overactive imagination.

Growing up our house was decked out in all manner of Halloween characters and pumpkins. Specifically frightening: a realistic looking skeleton which hung on the inside of the front door. I hated it because I feared it. I recall the feeling of its eyes staring at mine as I went down the stairs towards it, and then the inevitable turn, where I would have to turn my back to get to my bedroom. Was it still watching me? A quick turn revealed that it was. I started going down the stairs sideways - so I could always see what it was doing. If I was always watching it, it could not become real and hurl its bony body at me. I would lay awake in my solitary basement bedroom trying to fall asleep, even though I was fairly certain that a vampire was waiting in the shadows, waiting for my eyes to close, waiting to pounce.

As a teenager my mother purchased a motion activated plastic head covered in black cloth. When it was awakened the eyes would light up with red anger, saying "oooo" and shaking. A novelty item, but no less frightening. I would try to sneak past it, trying not to move while moving, holding my breath. And when you're a teenager - everyone wants to go to a fucking haunted house. It's hard to say to your friends that you're deathly afraid and that you don't want to go, because you don't want to be left out or miss out on gossip and fun...if you call scaring yourself fun.

I know many people think it's fun to be scared, and lots of people love Halloween, but October, to me, means fear. The costumes, the scary movies, the haunted houses. Nothing but a month of looking over my shoulder and pretending that I'm not frightened.