Well friends. I am finally getting to the point where I can say, I'm better. I'm still coughing -- and that is gross -- but at least I'm not medicating myself up every 4 hours. This past illness experience has brought me to a revelation: human bodies are retarded.
In my imagination I think my head cold started with a simple irritant, like pollen or dust. In order to combat the irritant my body began to create a protective shield of mucus around my brain. The production of mucus grew and grew until my sinuses became infected and I wanted to die. Upon realizing that the mucus was causing the host (me) to lose the will to live, my body finally began to break up the mucus and allow me some respite from a heavy head. Then came the excessive drainage and nose blowing ... and I mean EXCESSIVE. I went through 2 boxes of kleenex and half a roll of toilet paper. My poor nose became chapped and red like a reindeer despite the fact that I'd been liberally applying aquaphor and neosporin and lotion. But it didn't do any good because about 2 minutes after applying the aquaphor/neosporin/lotion I would have to blow my fucking nose again. And you all know how much I hate to blow my nose, so much, in fact, that I nearly-never-ever blow it. Yet every morning this week I have woken up around 5 am to blow my nose some more. Of course, now I have a cough because the mucus has drained into my lungs and, surprsingly, my lungs don't enjoy mucus, they enjoy air. So I am forced to cough and cough and clear my throat all day long.
Son of a bitch.
What kind of sense does this make, body? Can't you just make the approriate amount of protective mucus and then let me go on my merry way? I don't mind being a little stuffy, but let's not let things get out of control like this again. I know that you, body, are a mark of evolutionary wonder and that I should be grateful for all the things you allow me to do. And I am. But let's not get sick again for like 2 years. Or I will punch you in the face.