Saturday, January 10

Lacking Ambition

I often worry that I'm not doing enough with my person. Like, I should be getting ready to do something uber fantastic, and sometimes the fear that I am not doing -- or not even close to doing that something -- grabs me and renders me useless. I am a classic overachiever; I always take on too many projects, finish few, but do well on the ones I do finish. I worked a full-time job (40+ hours per week) while taking 17 credit hours each semester which made it possible for me to graduate with a BA in English after 2 years. As a teenager I did 2 hours of ballet 3 times a week, as well as play rehearsal, and choir - all while maintaining honor roll status. When my mom was sick my senior year of High School, I added the role of 'mother' to my repertoire to care for my brother. This included transferring him from one babysitter to another on my lunch, picking him up after school, dropping him off at 5am before I had drill team practice, and still keeping up my extracurricular activities like drill team, dance company, theatre, choir, and so on. I can take on a lot of responsibility. And it doesn't kill me -- it only makes me stronger.

I feel like I'm running to live up to the potential that was instilled in me at a young age. And it's not that I resent that feeling, rather, it pushes me. That feeling is what makes me ME. It makes me get out of bed after only 5 or 6 hours of sleep. It makes me work harder than other people. It makes me think faster. It makes me more creative. Most importantly, it makes me reach further and further for that invisible goal line. But I hate the feeling that I'm falling behind. I'm 25. Shouldn't greatness be coming my way already?

I guess all this blah blah blah is coming from a vague mid-twenties crisis. I like my job; it pays well and I love the people I work with. But it does not fulfill my need for "it" (whatever that may be) and I find myself longing for fame and fortune. This year I am supposed to write a novel. I have already started it, but I am scared to keep writing because completion will mean that potential (more like, inevitable) failure is just around the corner. Everyone says, "I want to write a book" but that doesn't mean they have anything interesting to say or that they can write worth a damn. Besides, writing a book seems so cliche, right? The chances of being the next "great" are so slim, models are envious.

BUT. The beginning of the year is the time to cast aside all doubt and plunge headfirst into bettering one's self. I intend to better my writing by writing writing writing and reading reading reading. If I want to be the next "great," I believe that I can will myself to become it. I can do anything, except open my own jars...


always curious 1 said...

Gosh, I just wrote this wonderful comment and it would not let me send it so now I have to recreate it! ARRRG! Creativity is not an "on demand" type of thing!
Okay- Just do it. Art breathes life by the emotions it evokes. Both the artist and the observer gain from the process. For it to be a commercial success, in some part, must not be the driving force. It must come from the heart or the truth will be hidden.

I hope you will read "the American Englishman" and the yellow book regarding the food & adoption. Both of them really spoke to me.

Use your own title of your blog as reason to write. After all-- you can always change your mind and not publish it. No loss unless you really want it published. Then, you must bite the bullit a pay the price of the artist. Accept that you may be rejected. The value is only lost if you base the value on the opinions of others. If you like it. If you hate it. It is done. Written and marked for future generations to find, should you make it available.

hey- I will be in Las Vegas this weekend. Your mom said you will be there, possibly this weekend too. I am there Sat night, Sun, Monday, and Tuesday. Any chance of meeting for dinner or drinks?
My cell-253.564.2164.
Write or call.
Love, Aunt Peggy

Jen said...

I wish I had your energy. You are too hard on yourself. You are allowed to relax and sleep for once.

Jars suck. I couldn't eat something I wanted for 3 days because of those stupid lids.

longge said...