Sunday, July 11

Reasons Not to Get Drunk with Friends at Your Own House

  1. Your husband and friend will try to "keep up" with each other, leading to the intake of copious amounts of alcohol.
  2. Your friend will pee in the bathroom -- but misses the toilet and hits the surrounding floor instead.
  3. You yell and make your husband and friend clean up the mess.
  4. But they're too drunk to clean up pee; they just keep trying to put paper towels in the toilet bowl, or yelling that you're being a bitch, or claiming that they didn't pee all over the floor, or your husband will yell out your name when the friend gets pee on his arm -- because said friend is gesturing his hand, which is holding pee-paper-towels, angrily at you.
  5. You end up cleaning the pee, removing the rug, and the scale.
  6. You come out of the bathroom and find them attempting to wrestle in the teeny living room.
  7. You yell (again) and ban them to the backyard if they want to "fucking wrestle."
  8. The dog will keep barking and growling so you head out to bring her inside ... and to find out if they are dead. No, they are not dead. Instead, they both have dog shit on their pants. And your husband has a grass burn on his forehead from his friend shoving his face into the lawn.
  9. You clap your hands to get their attention, and then yell (again), "Get the fuck up. You both have dog shit on your fucking pants" or something like that. And as they slowly come to this realization, they wander up to the house where you ask them to remove their pants. And the friend leaves on his bicycle; he probably hates you. And your husband takes a nap, apologizing and promising never to do that again.
Disclaimer: I know this story makes me sound semi-trashy.
I promise, I am not; hence all the yelling and saying of "fuck."
This was a random World Cup rumpus that will not occur again in my lifetime.
At least let's hope not.


Katie said...

Now imagine having to direct a 280 pound spouse in a similar situation towards the bedroom, only he is putting all his weight on you. :-P Good thing we love them!

Johanna said...

Katie, you are so right.