Habit Journal Entry #3

So bag going to the gym in the afternoon. I thought it would help to lose the excuse of being "too tired" to go but instead I find it makes my experience horrible. Here are my grievances:

1. It's too crowded
2. Waaaaay too many bros
3. I can't do my workout in the order I want because equipment is occupied
4. Sweaty people
5. Tired, even though it's the middle of the day!
6. Hungry -- but can't eat because I don't like to workout with food in my tummy
7. Unnecessary distractions: I literally watched a man with tiny tiny legs, like ANT legs, do bicep curls for 20 minutes. His upper body was enormous! He looked physically deformed ... except he did it to himself. 
8. I like to be completely selfish at the gym. Focus completely on myself. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not feel bad/weird/vain. 
9. I don't want to feel self conscious about how weak I am or how old and gross my workout clothes are. 
10. The girls that go to the gym in makeup and perfume -- because I hate them and seeing/smelling them makes me completely irate, and that's energy I could be using on an effective workout.

I just don't need these kinds of distractions while I'm at the gym. 

Hence why I am returning to the 4AM gym time.
The quiet gym time.
The private gym.
The not-hungry-yet-because-it's-too-early-to-be-hungry time.
You wake up and go to the gym and it's like a dream, like it never happened.
Nothing ever distracts you because nothing is going on at four in the morning.

Habit Journal Entry #2

Success! I went to the gym twice. I packed up my clothes in the morning and then before I left the building, I was dressed and ready to work out. I even had a successful workout after a trip to Target. (True commitment, friends. You know how much I love Target and how easy it is for me to spend hours and hours there.) Twice is nice, but for the upcoming week I really need to hit five times. Especially when you take into account my weak ass status. Gotta ramp up. The weekend actually was much harder to tackle. I didn't go at all over the looong holiday weekend. Not one time. No bueno.

Where I am struggling the most is the whole not-sitting-more-than-twenty-minutes-at-home thing. This is SUPER difficult. I've decided that I must must must set an alarm. Otherwise, I just veg out, mind and body, and lose all sense of time and ambition. We have so much quality (and not so quality) television to catch up on. The summer season is full steam ahead, regardless of school or our vacation to Vegas. We've got four episodes of Mad Men, a two hour Hell's Kitchen, SYTYCD, and -- cream of the crop -- Game of Thrones. All this TV means I have (HAVE) to sit. So I'm going to try the alarm thing this week and see how it goes.

Wish me luck.

My next report should have lots of successes. Fingers crossed.

Habit Journal Entry #1

For my business turnarounds class we have to write weekly habit journal entries, evaluating our process and success or failure to either establish or change a habit. I chose to establish the habit of increasing my everyday level of physical activity. In other words, less sitting on my ass.

I prepared a hilarious journal write up only to re-read the assignment and discover that it had to be 200 words or less. Therefore, I have decided to compose two journal entries: a short and sweet one for class and a more detailed, super funny and awesome one here.

So please, enjoy my journey to establishing a new habit. Expect at least a weekly update ... because that is what the assignment is.

***

Habit to establish: increase physical activity. This will be accomplished in three ways.

                1. Go to the gym more often
                2. Walk more at work

                3. Sit less at home

Attempts during the week: one. I attempted to go to the gym on Sunday but was distracted by helping my father-in-law buy a television at Costco.

The opportunity to change or establish a new habit is coming at a fortuitous time. I am rapidly approaching the end of my graduate schooling and am ready to focus on other aspects of my life. I recently turned thirty and it propelled me into a fit of feelings of inadequacy and oldness.

Thirty is not old.

However, I have been feeling the need to make changes to my everyday lifestyle – not a temporary change – but a permanent, lasting adjustment to my habits; hence why this assignment is coming at an opportune time.

There are several obstacles standing in my way to increase my level of physical activity. I am busy so I will delay/postpone inevitably gym time. I love television. I love to read. By nature, I am a home body. Outings are usually things like going to a restaurant or going to a movie. In other words, I tend to be inactive for many hours of the day. That said, last year I modified my desk at work so I stand the entire work week. Bonus for me. (Sitting is a serious killer – I presented on the dangers of sitting last year so ask me if you want to know more about how you’re hacking years off your life every day at work.)

I want to establish cues to trigger the new behavior of being more active. For instance, I believe it will be easiest for me to go to the gym on the way home from work. This way I’m not distracted by anything else; the gym is simply an extension of my workday. Another cue I will work on is the twenty-minute rule. At home, I must not sit longer than twenty minutes without getting up and doing some jumping jacks. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it actually is really supposed to help.

If I can begin to enact this new behavior I can gain the benefits of increased energy and overall better health. As physical exercise and well-being contribute to long life, I look forward to knowing that I will not die at thirty-one and will hopefully still be able to do the splits (both sides) when I’m eighty-seven.

So why did I only attempt to add all this great activity to my life ONCE this week? The undesired behavior was positively reinforced by several things.

1. Game of Thrones is an hour long show without any commercial breaks. It would absolutely disrupt the “mood” of the program if I were to get up twice to perform jumping jacks.
2.  School started and I am forced to sit in the classroom until the teacher designates a break – which is most definitely NOT every twenty minutes. I am being lazy and sitting around like my fellow classmates because it’s much easier and less disruptive. Plus, I’m tired from standing at work all day so the chair feels nice and cozy.
3.  I had to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mother on Saturday which meant I had a reason not to go to the gym. The positive reinforcement was breadsticks and the playing of Phase 10.
4.  I did not take my gym clothes with me to work because it is much more enjoyable to shop or read or play Candy Crush at home and unwind from work.
5. I did not walk more at work because it rained and I was rewarded by staying dry and inside. Or, it was sunny and I was rewarded by staying inside away from harmful UV rays.

As you can see, I have several ways my low activity level is being reinforced – strongest of all: habit. Sitting around is old hat to me and, needless to say, very comfortable.

But.

This is a chance to make the change I want. I must establish the cues to trigger more physical activity. So, to sum up: take gym clothes with me to work and go there straight away, don’t sit at home for longer than twenty minutes without jumping jacks, and walk more at work.

***

Wasn't that way better than 200 words or less? I mean, how can you know what's really going on, to what extent my laziness really went, if I don't describe it for you in detail? 

161 Days

As you know, I am a person who needs to commit and recommit (and possibly commit again) to goals that I have set for myself. One of my biggest goals is to lose some weight and lock in healthy eating habits before my 30th birthday. Well folks, we are down to only 161 days to my birthday. 23 short weeks.

Here it is by the numbers:

• 115 workouts: 23 yoga classes, 23 cycle classes, 69 days of cardio & weightlifting. 
• 23 potential BONUS workouts.
• 161 breakfasts.
• 161 apples.
• 158 days of eating within my caloric total. (Minus Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day. I refuse.) 
• 23 weigh-ins.
• 362 liters of water

And some fun things I want to do on my birthday as a reward for all my hard work:

• I will do 5 complete pull-ups. (Current count: zero.)
• I will run (no walking) 5 miles without stopping.
• I will wear the dress my husband gave me when I was 17.
• Drink all day.
• Hug and kiss everyone I love.

Wish me luck!

Commitments 2012

Sort of like a resolution, more like a goal.
A promise to DO.

1. Write
2. Read
3. Be body healthy
4. Survive school
5. Treat loved ones better
6. Get a new career
7. Learn how to knit
8. Wear red lipstick
9. Declutter



Image



Thoughts on the Human Form

I sometimes dream about the perfect body;

Strong and supple,

Moving gracefully with a quiet beauty,

With a firmness, a steadiness.

It will last me a lifetime.

It will bear all sadness and pain

and enjoy all pleasures.

It will work hard until it's time to stop working.

Then it will lie down to rest.

The sunlight will drift in

And my body will dance away

To a new adventure.

Do Over

Time to start again.
Time to restate goals.
Time to kick my own ass.

My ten year high school reunion is coming up at the end of June. I had set goals at the beginning of the year, but I've been being lazy and negligent, full of excuses:

• I'm too sore to go to the gym
• I should just hurry and eat the rest of this so it doesn't go to waste
• I'm going to eat perfect tomorrow
• Okay, that was the last cheat day
• I'm too tired to go to the gym
• It's a special occasion
• I haven't eaten all day
• There's nothing else to eat
• I'm on vacation
• It's snowing

Stupid girl. Now I really have to dig in. I have to go "biggest loser" and apply myself fully to exercising and eating right. I can do it. I know that I can. For years I keep saying, this is the year. Well, god damnit. This IS the fucking year. I'm tired of just looking passable, I want to look fantastic. Soon, my face will start to look old and my chubbiness will start to sag. Best to get a hot bod to detract from my aging face.

If anyone else wants to join in my pain, feel free. You'll hate your life for a while, but I'm hoping the pay off is worth it in the end. And when I say "end" I mean the rest of my life.

Stress

I'm stressed.

I'm getting really anxious about this stupid GMAT I have to take for graduate school. I haven't had a stress dream for months but for the past two weeks they've been rearing their ugly heads. Usually they're just about some random stressful event happening, causing me to wake up with a back ache and a sore jaw from grinding my teeth. Also, I keep using the wrong "they're/their/there" -- an obvious sign of a distressed mind. I'm also freaking out (a little) because I have to finish my application for graduate school and then the actual MBA program. I'm already late for the graduate school application -- damn you, procrastination. And I need to start wrangling in my letters of recommendation for my MBA application. When I did my undergrad my dear and darling husband did all this shit for me. Apparently he shouldn't have because I am now ruined and spoiled and incapable of getting my act together and just APPLYING.

AND I'm getting nervous about being accepted. What if they don't accept me and I have to wait for spring semester? I really want to be done at age thirty. Thirty, not thirty-one and one quarter. I've been perusing the statistics of the last class and it appears that I'm at least a viable candidate:

• the average GPA was 3.4 -- mine is 3.67
• the average score on the GMAT was 583 -- I'm shooting for that to be my score
• only 14% female -- definitely in my favor

And studying for the GMAT is just reminding me how much I fucking hate math. Algebra is fine -- but most of it is quantitative reasoning, at which I suck. I've always done the worst on story problems. I don't seem to be able to extract the math from the English; I just feel like I'm reading a very dull tale. I'm taking a study/prep course on Saturday for the GMAT. Maybe that will assuage some of this anxiety. But as soon as I'm done with that I need to submit my graduate school application, finish my MBA application, register for the GMAT, apply for financial aid (fat chance of that), and then take a big deep breath.

Evolution

My birthday is coming up.

For the most part, I'm one of those insanely happy, content people that smiles all the time and laughs heartily when entertained. And I have an insanely happy, content life that makes me smile all the time and laugh heartily every day. That said, I cannot let my happiness make me complacent because with complacency comes unhappiness and stagnation. I intend to always strive to improve myself (a la Julia Child) and learn new things and meet my trials head on. One thing that I hate about myself (well, hate it too strong a word, and in reality I sort of love the fact that I'm a little spacey because for most other parts of my life I am ordered, reliable, and responsible) is that I suck at follow through. I blame my seeming inability to finish projects or meet goals on being an Aries (and when I say "Aries"  I mean that I don't believe in astrology at all and I'm simply using it as a scapegoat ... a role it has been given for centuries). But. I'm fighting all those urges and making a concerted effort to finish what I start and accomplish goals.

Projects
I will not begin any other craft projects until the following are complete:

• Kenley's Baby Blanket: She turned four this year. I intend to either make the quilt myself or turn over the materials -- whichever is preferred.
• Mom's Afghan: I started this about 2 years ago and it is very close to completion. I will give it to her for Mother's Day THIS YEAR.
• Blue Bedroom Quilt: This beautiful quilt is also almost complete. All the squares are already sewn into rows; all I need do is sew the rows together, back, and bat it.
• Picnic Quilt: Lowest priority. I bought the material at Christmas and haven't touched it. I will continue NOT touching it until the above projects are taken care of.

Graduate School
I am hoping to be enrolled in the MBA program in the fall. However, in order for that to happen I need to apply and be accepted. I also need to take the GMAT. So.

1. First things first. I will buy a GMAT study book before the end of the week.
2. I will take the GMAT before May.
3. I will have my application complete and submitted before the end of May.

Writing
I will meet with my mom once a week and work on writing her story.
I will write one poem per month.
I will continue to blog regularly.
I will read voraciously.

Lifestyle
I will walk the puppy every day, weather permitting.
I will eat healthy foods in appropriate portions.
I will exercise.
I will improve my correspondence.
When my square footage allows, I will play the piano every day.
Before I die, I will learn to play the cello.

Who's Blog is This?

I fell off the planet after October.
So, to sum up.
October: boring.
November: stopped dancing.
December: started dieting again.

It's January 1st.
Time for resolutions:
I resolve to ...

1. start graduate school
2. meet my goal weight
3. start an exclusive monthly book club
4. start a novel
5. keep up the love

What's new with you?

Goal: Organize Myself

I have a goal.

Get Organized.

It's very sneaky.

Just when you think you're getting close,

Life happens and you have to start all over again.

So I've got it down to 2 easy to follow parts:

1. Bankers Boxes

2. Throw Away

That means that you buy Bankers Boxes,

Label them,

And keep stuff in them.

And once a month, you throw one away.

Repeat.

For life.

Then enjoy the loveliness of simplicity.

That Old Bandwagon

I truly wish that I was one of those people. The people that watch what they eat naturally, like breathing. The people that can, within reason, eat whatever they want, because, you see, these people don't ever want to eat an entire FAMILY SIZE bag of salsa Sunchips. They don't ever need to eat an entire box of pasta and sauce. They can stop after, say, a small helping. I am not one of those people. I am the person who has self control -- and only by sheer willpower -- have I not continued to balloon up throughout the passing years.

I almost did, I almost became a hefty girl after my first year of marriage. But since then I have been losing weight every year. Not this year. I've been eating whatever I like. Cafe Rio, Noodles & Company, sugar cookies, donuts, potato salad, pasta salad, pie, funeral potatoes, and on and on. I like to blame it on my transition at work from swing shift (2PM to 10:30PM) to days (a blissful 6AM to 2:30PM). But really. I think I was just sick of trying. I stopped going to the gym, and opted for ballet instead. I stopped being hungry, and opted for indulgence instead. The unfortunate thing is that I'm too vain and too in favor of beautiful clothing and a beautiful body to let it all go truly to hell. And I can't be satisfied with being a bit tubby. To the normal person, I look pretty small, I'll be honest. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I know that the majority of my weight loss is purely superficial. But I have dreams about wearing whatever I want without worrying about bulges/tugs/wrinkles. And I dream about dancing with lovely lines and slender limbs. I want to run and run like the wind is chasing me until the ends of the earth.

So while I've taken a temporary hiatus ... those desires win out and I'm back on the bandwagon again. All the things I hate have resumed a prominent place in my life. Apples for lunch, all day fasts, vegetable dinner. And I don't want to hear anything about how starvation is bad for you, or about how you should eat like this or that. I know what works for me. I just have to start doing it again. As someone who loves to overindulge from time to time, I have to punish myself so that the excess doesn't catch up with my waistline. Stay posted. That elusive goal is still out there. Check out the Going Down page if you want to see my progress. If you don't, I'll try to keep the fatty posts to a minimum. And anyone who wants to join me in my trials, feel free. Misery loves company. Bwahaha.

Summer Goals

My ballet friend Catherine and I have made some specific short-term goals for the summer session of ballet. We have both recently returned from a ten year long break and are now attempting to be ballerinas again. We are frustrated with the limitations of our "older" bodies and are working towards our ballerina bodes. It was especially motivating when we saw fellow "old" dancer (who has four children, by the way) with an absolutely beautiful body; thin, supple, muscular, and graceful.

So. Jealous.
So I'm setting goals. Goals that I WILL achieve by the end of summer session. It's time to get serious.

Goal 1  Both splits, left and right, flat. That means tushy on the floor.
Goal 2  Lose 15 pounds. Period.
Goal 3  Cardio and resistance training two times a week. Ballet is four times a week, two hour classes, so I'm going to do cardio and upper body workouts two other days. I can do it. My aim for weightlifting is toned arms, a ripply chest, and muscular back -- all of which look stunning when you dance. The cardio should help trim up my legs and hopefully aid in the weightloss.

I need to buy a scale. After the pee incident, read more here, I had to throw out the old one ... so it's in with the new. (I haven't weighed myself for a few weeks which feels very strange; not knowing one's weight.) But anyway, get the scale, start weighing myself, and start losing. The hardest goal is #2. That will be my main focus. You know, I think that this return to ballet has brought up a lot of body issues ... but oddly enough, I don't hate my body for not being perfect. Rather, I'm proud of it for all its accomplisments, and further still, its potential.

Two Done

It happened today, my 2nd day in the advanced class.
After we put the barres away, she said, "We're going to do pointe today." She looked at me and said, "Johanna, let's give it a try."

So I did. Not 100% perfect. But I would say I succeeded in surprising myself and my teacher.
At the end of class, as I walked by Michelle to go home, she said, "Good job."
I really love myself for not being afraid to try.

Please cross off "become a ballerina again" from my list.

True and Future Self

Just want to recommit ...

Commit to an active life.

Commit to non-processed food.

Commit to a beautiful and healthy body.

Commit to love myself enough to reach my goal.

100 -- I am coming for you.

One Done

Oh yeah, just wanted to say that my list of Not New Year's Goals is one shorter.

Please cross off "get promoted."

"Become a ballerina again" is in the works, but I don't consider it official until I'm on pointe again.

Now I only have 8 left.

I love progress!

Down to Business

I have a confession -- and I am telling it to the world because that makes it more REAL.

The week before December I weighed 114 pounds. I now weigh 127. That's right; 1-2-7. Eee gads. 13 pounds in 4.5 months.

Friends, it's time. I am 5' tall, which means I should weigh, ideally, 100 pounds.

Ahh, 100. This is a goal that I have been striving towards for many many years. During my first year of marriage I gained about 25 pounds, making me tip the scales at nearly (gasp!) 150. I don't think I actually ever hit 150, but I was teetering right on the edge. Now is the NOW. No more procrastination. No more excuses. I was getting so close last year and now I have thrown it down the dumper. But, that's okay. I just have to get back on track. Since I hit the point of no return (size 10 pants), I have been steadily losing weight every year, with an occasional small bump of 5 pounds during the winter holidays. Every year I would say goodbye to the 140s or the 130s and I THOUGHT that last year was the last time I would ever see myself in the 120s. Apparently not. But like I said, I'm not going to become disheartened or hate or pity myself. I have a new job with a fixed schedule and am out of excuses completely. Here is my plan:

Weigh 100 pounds and then cut my hair.

Workout at least 1 hour a day.

Wear the size 00 dress I bought at White House Black Market to a summer party.

Wear a bikini to the beach ... with other people present.

Wear a romper and look fabulous.

My hair is currently down to my butt crack. I am going to cut it to my chin ... when I weigh 100 pounds. Why am I teling you all this? Well, I want your help. I mean, don't we work harder when we have to report our progress to someone? Isn't that why we have a boss? Be my boss, okay? Everyday I will post the previous days' eats, weight, and activities -- look for it under "Going Down" (a separate page I made for my weightloss falala). That's where I think I'll also post some pics of me in my leotard (promise not to laugh at my Asian legs) for before and after reasons. And maybe I'll post my measurements. But for sure, every day, like clockwork, I will post what I ate, what I weighed, and what exercise I did. You don't really need to do anything other than be my confessional. It pays zero dollars per hour.

I'll still be posting my normal blah blah about whatever, so if that's what you come for, you'll still get a dose of that -- perhaps you can just skip over the weight stuff if that's not your thing. To be honest, it's not really my thing either; (I sometimes hate reading/hearing about other peoples' weightloss journeys) I'm much more into parties with food or dinner dates or co-worker potlucks -- but looking fabulous IS my thing and that's my goal.

Getting What You Want

Yeah, let's talk about being happy. Let's talk about what it means to "get what you want" and the struggle to get. Let's talk about materialism, in all its glory, and let's talk about the meaning of life.

I will open the discussion.

I ate expired soup today. Why was it expired? I have no idea -- apparently when you stuff your face with anything and everything for a two month period you skip over 100 calorie soup. Then it just sits in your pantry and goes bad. But I ate the soup, and I ate it with the looming date of November 29th 2009 heavy in my belly, and I started thinking about my life. I have so much food in my house that we literally NEVER run out. Even when we have "nothing to eat" there is PLENTY to eat. Plenty. This abundance of food makes me ponder the relevance of being on a diet, because to me, being on a diet is essentially waste. I eat smaller portions, true, but I also have to let rampant amounts of food go bad because I just didn't have the caloric allowance to eat that cantaloupe or eggplant or cheese pizza. And apparently, 100 calorie soup.

What is the point of dieting, anyway? I'm a small person. I look fairly decent clothed and not too scary naked. But to our current society "being on a diet" is like saying "I'm cool." Because it means you have self control and a life good enough that you can complain about eating TOO much. And in my mind dieting is synonymous with materialism. Even though you're doing the exact opposite (saying "no more" as opposed to gathering more and more objects) you are showing a certain lavishness, a certain type of fabulosity that only translates to being thin=more clothes=fashionable. It's a strange cycle that in a natural world could not exist but we live in a world with 9 year old twinkies and cheese from a can and diabolical corn breakdowns.

I'll tell you why I diet. Because I want to be thin and because I want to be healthy. Way healthier than is really necessary for my desk job, but nevertheless, I strive towards seeing a beautiful model-thin self in the mirror. This is not to say that I'm not happy with myself; I am. I'm truly thrilled with the way I turned out. I was a very insecure tween but somehow I blossomed and never looked back. I learned at a young age that mistakes were forgivable and that changes could be made and you could rise triumphant as whatever you wanted. I accept my flaws as challenges -- something to continuously strive to make better. And also, something to laugh about with my friends and commiserate with them. Flaws, after all, make us human and not divine. Who wants to be perfect? It's probably dreadfully boring. What do you DO each day if you can't work towards a better life and a better self? And it's fun to use your inner-eye and speculate on the future; the future can't be different or better if everything is already Utopian.

But when does the "fun" striving-for-change switch to "my life isn't good enough" and crushing waves of inadequacy? I'm not really sure. I'll be sure to let you all know when I get there. But I can see how it is easy to start thinking more about the getting and not about the here and now. Life, to me, is a two act play happening simultaneously. Act One is now, Act Two is the future. You can't enjoy the story, the journey, the plot, unless you watch Act One -- because otherwise you won't know what the fuck is going on. You won't know the characters, you won't understand their development, you won't, basically, like the show. And if the show is YOUR LIFE ... don't you want to like it? So in order to like it you've got to watch Act One.

My Act One consists of struggling with my weight and my puppy and my marriage and ballet and my career and my family and my mind and my writing and ... so many things. But. The point is -- I'm enjoying the NOW and looking forward to the future, the impossibly bright and hopeful future that will be everything it's supposed to be if I can just sit still through Act One. So I'm not going to become too bogged down by my inadequacies, and I'm not going to obsess too much about the sugar cookie I ate for breakfast yesterday, and I'm not going to worry about the job I don't have and the money I don't make, and I'm not going to stress about the people that don't like me.

Scarlett said it best: "I'll think about that tomorrow."

And today I'll think about all the good things in my life:

A family I love,

My husband and best friend rolled into one,

A puppy to cuddle,

Friends I can rely on,

New challenges,

And a full pantry.

Back to the Barre

As of tomorrow, I will become a ballerina again -- or at least on the long road back to being one. Class starts @ 7 PM. It's going to be a challenge but I am really excited. Ballet is my old flame, my first love, the first thing I committed to completely, completely surrendered to. It taught me discipline. Most of the girls I danced with in high school thought ballet was boring and old. To me, ballet is learning your body and controlling your body in a beautiful way. You learn how to hold your balance on two toes, how to slide your foot across the floor, how to hold your arm so everyone wants to look at it, how to twist your head just so, and you do all these things in a single graceful movement. I was born in the wrong body. My mind is the mind of a ballerina, but my body is only 5 feet tall and I tend towards chubbiness. So many times I have hated my body; for it has the power to be great if only it could change. But part of growing older is becoming more comfortable with your self. I know I'm not, and don't have to worry about, being the best. I can simply enjoy the process. My hand on the barre and a perfect port de bras.

Week in Review

1. Found out I didn't get the promotion -- but that's okay.
2. Finished ALL the laundry.
3. Looked fabulous *almost* every day.
4. Ate too much -- must do better.
5. Wrote too little -- must do better.
6. Finished getting over my annoying cold.
7. Bought the cutest rice cooker.
8. Ran errands for my mom -- that made me feel young again.
9. Danced the night away.
10. Celebrated being in love.