Prepping for the Big Three-Oh

So. In just six short months, I will be (shhh) thirty. And I've been telling my husband and everyone: "OH! Thirty is SO YOUNG!" and "Age is nothing!" and telling myself that thirty won't effect me because I still look young (staying out of the sun and Asian genes have helped) and I'm healthy (thanks to vegetarianism) and I'm in a great place in my life (so happy, tra la la). I will have my MBA next year. My husband is still my best friend. I have a great job. I have awesome friends and family.

Whatthefuckever.

I can feel, deep in my gut, the ticklings of panic.

I

will

be

30

And now I'm telling myself that by thirty I should have done so much more with my life. I should already be published. I should already be making six figures. I should own a home. I should have a super fit fantastic body.

Obviously it's goal setting time. Here are four things I want to accomplish next year, not necessarily by the time I hit thirty, but before I'm thirty-one (i.e., absolutely ancient <--- I'm totally kidding. I think).

Goal 1:
Get a new job. I enjoy the job I have now. I love my coworkers and I feel valued in my workplace as someone who is reliable and competent. But I've been there since 2002 and it's time to move on. It's time to expand my knowledge and hopefully my paycheck.

Goal 2:
Get a new body. I enjoy the body I have now. It is cute and fun and gets me from A to B. But now, I need to have a rocking body because, let's face it, it may now begin the period of loosening and sagging that comes with my age. I don't want to have a young looking face and a crap body. So this means I've got to commit to controlling my portions and working out. A lot. I can do it.

Goal 3:
Get published. I always talk about blah-blah-be-a-writer and blah-blah-be-famous and guess what? That shit ain't gonna happen unless I a) write and b) submit it for publication. I'm not saying I want to have a fucking NOVEL done by next year, but I do need to heft up my portfolio and COMMIT to writing. Less TV, more reading and writing.

Goal 4:
Save more money. I don't want to buy a house necessarily but I do want to have gobs and gobs of money in savings that I can take lavish vacations, feel safe, and whenever I feel like it, buy a house.

Like all control freak, OCD, type A personalities, setting goals and making lists makes me feel as though I have a handle on my fate. I can make anything happen if I just work hard enough. And if there is one thing I know in life, it's how to work hard for things that I want.

Coming Soon

THIS is coming in two weeks and I.can't.wait.

Not only am I a huge fan of mail (and I work for the biggest mail company in the country) but I am also a huge fan of surprise/impromptu/spontaneous thoughtfulness. Using the Cards App you can send personalized cards to anyone in the country for $2.99 -- an absolute steal. The benefits?

• No longer forgetting to buy a card.
• Not having to read tons of stupid store cards only to end up choosing a blank one.
• No more excessive and loud complaining about how terrible store bought cards are.
• Stress free personalized notes done straight from your phone.
• YOUR pictures, your beautiful face, your fabulous friends, on the card of your choice.

• No more forgetting to buy stamps.
• Or an envelope.
• Or forgetting to mail it and having it get wrinkled & crushed from carrying it in your purse for a week.
• You can get the recipient's address straight from your contact list.
• You receive a message when it's out for delivery.

So to recap: YOU get to send a personalized card, including envelope and postage, without any bother for the low low price of $2.99 ... two dollars and ninety-nine cents.

Spontaneity!

Thoughtfulness!

Impromptu fun!

Love it.

Good News Everyone

I'm in!

I have been officially admitted to the Professional MBA program.

Here's to higher education and higher tuition.

Let's hope my hard work takes me to a job I love;

A job that pays in satisfaction and six digits.

June 1st

Today is June 1st. Let's play catch up.

-- I am filling in for a manager for the rest of the summer, which means I now have my own office. With a window. I had to train my replacement during the last couple weeks in May which is why I didn't write. Also, work was super busy. We just entered into a new contract which brought on many many changes and many many questions about how we would adapt. It's exciting but also scary (lots of downsizing) which makes me glad that I'm getting my MBA.

-- I took the GMAT on May 21st. My score was 570. I'll take it. The average score of the last Professional MBA class was 580 so I think I'm in. I just need to submit my essay and resume (which I should be working on now but instead I'm here). I totally sucked up the quantative section, sucked meaning in the 23rd percentile. Ouch. But my verbal section was pretty damn good: 87th percentile. And my writing received a perfect score: a 6. Mostly I'm just glad it's over and hopefully I'll never have to take it again. If all goes according to plan, I'll start school this fall.

-- I had to fix up the yard for a luncheon. I had my work ladies over for lunch out on the patio but before anyone could see my semi-scary backyard we had to mow and edge and fix up the flower beds and de-weed the patio. Plus, it's been raining here like mad and the grass was like a jungle. The puppy would disappear and make tracks through the long grass, like a safari evertime she went potty. The luncheon was so lovely. The weather was nice, a bit windy, but the food was great and I love my dear ladies.

-- It's time to renew our lease at the little cottage. I can't believe we've been there for a year. It has been so lovely to live downtown and close to work. The house is just right for the three of us and when I start school it will be convience itself. Of course, getting ready for our landlady to walk through has been a pain in the ass. Not that our house is a pig pen; we just want it to look spic and span so she know how fabulous we are. Tom had to patch a couple holes in the wall and I need to clean all the windowsills. Luckily the yard is already taken care of.

-- And finally, we caught the mouse. It took a week. He was very smart. After the snappy "humane" traps failed to produce results, we switched to the sticky traps. We placed four at random places in the kitchen and the first night we caught a big ugly centipede. Every night we'd hear the mouse clanging around -- probably scavenging for food -- but I guess he tiptoed around all the traps. Finally, we woke up to a loud high-pitched yelp. The poor thing had its body and tail stuck to the trap, all but his head. I put the stuck mousey into a plastic bag and Tom took it outside to chuck it in the garbage ... but only after smacking it against the ground a couple times to make sure it was dead. Needless to say, my husband never wants to use sticky traps again and I'm overjoyed that our guest is gone.

Widowed

My husband is gone to a training summit up some stupid canyon until Friday.
My stupid knee is hurting me so I don't think I'll go to ballet tonight.
Instead, I'm going to take myself out to dinner @ Happy Sumo.
Followed by some 'Closer.'
And some in-bed reading.
For the rest of the week:
    Ballet
    Cold sleeping

For some reason when Tom is not in the bed, I can never get warm. Hopefully it will be better with the puppy there. She's never been alone with just me for so long and I'm sure she'll start to become despondent and make her sad face. But I'll be making a sad face too. It's not that I hate being alone, and really, this is a very short amount of time (last time he went to China for 6 weeks ... ick) but I start to get bored with no one to talk to. I start to become jumpy and scared to run the water because I'm listening for killers. Who is going to laugh at commercials with me? And pat my back when the scary sprinklers turn on at 5AM?

Well, me and the puppers will have to tough it out.
We'll go for runs in the park and catch up on our trash TV.
I'm going to paint my fingernails.
Read all my library books.
But still miss him.

Where O Where

Where have I been? Well, I've been busy. As you know, my birthday was Monday the 19th. Here's what's happened since:

• Shopping excursion with Mr. Tom which resulted in some great finds for him and me, most especially, my nude heels. Ultra fab.
• Bad headache which made me miss ballet.
• Discovered a yummy Thai restaurant close to home.
• Learned my new job ... which I love.
• Got a mani-pedi. The pedicure was great, as always; I won't be getting a manicure again. Apparently I hate it when other people work on my hands. Weird.
• Went to Cass's and Michael's wedding, which was beautiful.
• Went to a birthday party.
• Went to lunch @ Thaifoon with my sister-in-law. Yum-O.
• Bought the most wonderful headband.
• Mom made me a yummy birthday dinner and cake.
• The Cowboy Brothers came in 1st on Amazing Race.
• I bought a pink iron.
• The puppy barked at the ironing board. Hilarious.

And now I'm busy with work and finding a new apartment. Where does time go?

A Charmed Life

Today was possibly the best Monday in the history of Mondays.

It started out early early in the morning. On Sunday night we tried to make a frozen lasagna; we set the oven, we set the timer, we went upstairs to veg out. Ding ding! And then downstairs for some yummy eats ... oh, but we forgot to turn on the oven. So now we wait for another TWO hours. In the meantime we enjoy a glass of wine and watch 'Mallrats' (never before seen in our lifetime) and as Sunday passes into Monday, we enjoy our lasagna in bed together. Before we go to sleep, Tom wishes me a happy birthday.

3 hours later, I wake up to go to work. Time to start my new and improved job. Can I just say: I am going to love it. Best job ever. My friends helped me celebrate my birthday with some treats and a 24 pack of Diet Coke. Friends at work make work survivable.

Then it's time to hop in my sunny but old car. I love the smell of the old car on hot days. It reminds me of the first time Tom and I took it out for a ride. We rolled down the windows and drove fast on deserted roads. Plus, the car's evil spirits disappear when the sun comes out; no squeaking, no squealing, no scraping of windshields. I stopped by the PO Box to pick up my newly arrived leotards (hooray!) and chuckled to myself at the jam packed PO Box ... they know I work for the Postal Service and must hate me. My new InStyle is here and 3 Pottery Barn catalogues.

And then I arrive at my mom and dad's house. My mom is sitting outside on a lawn chair and she waves to me as I drive up. The dogs are running around with my puppy. Dad joins us, sitting right on the grass and playing with the dogs. I'm worried my dog will overheat and DIE from chasing the dogs, so I get her a few ice cubes and we all laugh at how she collapses into the cool grass. My family wishes me a happy birthday, hugs all around, before I leave for home.

Ballet later tonight.

Life is good.
Life is happy.
Life is simply wonderful.

One Done

Oh yeah, just wanted to say that my list of Not New Year's Goals is one shorter.

Please cross off "get promoted."

"Become a ballerina again" is in the works, but I don't consider it official until I'm on pointe again.

Now I only have 8 left.

I love progress!

Break Over

I am one of those people that lets silly things get in the way of their daily routine.

Take writing for example. I am supposed to write everyday -- or at LEAST once a week. But no go. I have been MIA for a little over a month (see March's sole post). But in my defense, let me explain the last few weeks. (Hint: it's dull reading. Hence why I haven't written.)

So, when we went to China I had to resign. I was working as a REAL Supervisor before I left. When I came back, that wasn't possible, and I was re-hired as a temporary employee -- but that was okay because I was "higher leveled" into a supervisor position all the time in a temporary capacity. Then, I was promoted to career employee, but still not a real supervisor. While all this was going on I was working the swing shift -- and that was okay because I'd been doing it FOREVER and at least I had weekends off. Then, the best. I was asked to fill in (again, temporarily) in the vacant management position. Weekends off, working during the day. It was stressful but lovely. And then all the REAL Supervisor positions began to open up, including the one I desperately wanted which had weekends off and worked 6AM to 2:30. Fabulous. I put in my application along with 18 other folks. I was a wreck. Really nervous and stressed out. My life officially went on hold.

Break over.

I am now the proud owner of a fantastic job. I make much more money. I work THE BEST hours (6AM to 2:30, M-F). The work I will do is interesting and rewarding; just enough tedium to be satisfying and enough challenges not to be boring. I am SO excited. It was worth it to go to China if it got me this position. And now I have my evenings free for ballet or grad school or community theatre or cello lessons or dinner with friends or hanging out with family. Life is better when your job isn't your life. Now my job is something I do during the day and my life is the rest of the time instead of the other way around.

So, congratulate me ... and stay tuned.

Getting What You Want

Yeah, let's talk about being happy. Let's talk about what it means to "get what you want" and the struggle to get. Let's talk about materialism, in all its glory, and let's talk about the meaning of life.

I will open the discussion.

I ate expired soup today. Why was it expired? I have no idea -- apparently when you stuff your face with anything and everything for a two month period you skip over 100 calorie soup. Then it just sits in your pantry and goes bad. But I ate the soup, and I ate it with the looming date of November 29th 2009 heavy in my belly, and I started thinking about my life. I have so much food in my house that we literally NEVER run out. Even when we have "nothing to eat" there is PLENTY to eat. Plenty. This abundance of food makes me ponder the relevance of being on a diet, because to me, being on a diet is essentially waste. I eat smaller portions, true, but I also have to let rampant amounts of food go bad because I just didn't have the caloric allowance to eat that cantaloupe or eggplant or cheese pizza. And apparently, 100 calorie soup.

What is the point of dieting, anyway? I'm a small person. I look fairly decent clothed and not too scary naked. But to our current society "being on a diet" is like saying "I'm cool." Because it means you have self control and a life good enough that you can complain about eating TOO much. And in my mind dieting is synonymous with materialism. Even though you're doing the exact opposite (saying "no more" as opposed to gathering more and more objects) you are showing a certain lavishness, a certain type of fabulosity that only translates to being thin=more clothes=fashionable. It's a strange cycle that in a natural world could not exist but we live in a world with 9 year old twinkies and cheese from a can and diabolical corn breakdowns.

I'll tell you why I diet. Because I want to be thin and because I want to be healthy. Way healthier than is really necessary for my desk job, but nevertheless, I strive towards seeing a beautiful model-thin self in the mirror. This is not to say that I'm not happy with myself; I am. I'm truly thrilled with the way I turned out. I was a very insecure tween but somehow I blossomed and never looked back. I learned at a young age that mistakes were forgivable and that changes could be made and you could rise triumphant as whatever you wanted. I accept my flaws as challenges -- something to continuously strive to make better. And also, something to laugh about with my friends and commiserate with them. Flaws, after all, make us human and not divine. Who wants to be perfect? It's probably dreadfully boring. What do you DO each day if you can't work towards a better life and a better self? And it's fun to use your inner-eye and speculate on the future; the future can't be different or better if everything is already Utopian.

But when does the "fun" striving-for-change switch to "my life isn't good enough" and crushing waves of inadequacy? I'm not really sure. I'll be sure to let you all know when I get there. But I can see how it is easy to start thinking more about the getting and not about the here and now. Life, to me, is a two act play happening simultaneously. Act One is now, Act Two is the future. You can't enjoy the story, the journey, the plot, unless you watch Act One -- because otherwise you won't know what the fuck is going on. You won't know the characters, you won't understand their development, you won't, basically, like the show. And if the show is YOUR LIFE ... don't you want to like it? So in order to like it you've got to watch Act One.

My Act One consists of struggling with my weight and my puppy and my marriage and ballet and my career and my family and my mind and my writing and ... so many things. But. The point is -- I'm enjoying the NOW and looking forward to the future, the impossibly bright and hopeful future that will be everything it's supposed to be if I can just sit still through Act One. So I'm not going to become too bogged down by my inadequacies, and I'm not going to obsess too much about the sugar cookie I ate for breakfast yesterday, and I'm not going to worry about the job I don't have and the money I don't make, and I'm not going to stress about the people that don't like me.

Scarlett said it best: "I'll think about that tomorrow."

And today I'll think about all the good things in my life:

A family I love,

My husband and best friend rolled into one,

A puppy to cuddle,

Friends I can rely on,

New challenges,

And a full pantry.

Not-So-Busy Worker Bee

I've been busy doing too much thinking and not enough doing. And that means that I haven't been writing as much as I should because my head is too full of the ideas I should be putting into my application. (Yes, I'm going to apply for yet another job. I hope I get this one because I reeeeaaally want this one.)

What I hate most is that I'm not actually doing anything more; I just have more to think about. I'm back on my diet, that means lots of thinking about what to eat and what not to eat (exhausting). I've got to finish my application for this new position. IF I get this position I've got to decide if I'm going to apply for graduate school. I'm working on my novel -- so that's floating around in my wee head too. I have work crap to do and all the regular day to day stuff. This is one of my worst qualities. I become paralyzed by my own brain. My mind is thinking thinking thinking and it stops me from DOING. I try to organize my busy thoughts with lists and lists and lists. But it doesn't work. In order to combat the full head I try to empty it with constant entertainment; books on tape, tv, movies, music. And all the while what would really help the most is some goddamned silence but I won't give it to myself. I just keep half-assing everything, spilling out just enough from my over-crowded noggin to keep from exploding.

It took considerable effort to write this lame and scattered post. Help!

Week in Review

1. Found out I didn't get the promotion -- but that's okay.
2. Finished ALL the laundry.
3. Looked fabulous *almost* every day.
4. Ate too much -- must do better.
5. Wrote too little -- must do better.
6. Finished getting over my annoying cold.
7. Bought the cutest rice cooker.
8. Ran errands for my mom -- that made me feel young again.
9. Danced the night away.
10. Celebrated being in love.

Not "New Year's" Goals

I want to TRY and do some things this year. They are not goals. I refuse to call them a goal because then I will inevitably fail because I will place the "goals" on the shelf of "tomorrow" and never complete them. Like last year. Plus, I think when you make it a goal you make it a job. And I already have one of those. These are more like self-improvement, make-yourself-more-interesting-to-yourself things. I call them things, not goals.

So in order to prevent hate and loathing of self, here are the THINGS ...

Become a ballerina again
Find a suitable penpal
Write a lot
Cook more
Eat less
Go running
Get promoted
Get into graduate school
Learn to play the cello -- cellos are awfully sexy

Ears Shut

Typically when I'm at work in the early morning hours I listen to NPR. I love the voices of the newcasters as if they were old friends sitting in my office. But with the recent horror in Haiti, I've had to stop listening.

It's not attractive to cry on your paperwork.
It's not appropriate to cry at work.
It's not good to slam your fist on the desk in frustration at yet another sad story.

So, I hope things are going well there, although I'm sure they aren't much improved, but I can't tune in right now. The urge to quit my job and run down to Haiti to help organize relief efforts is too strong. And when that urge dies down, my sad no-control-over-anything feelings seep in.

Haiti -- you are in my heart.

Crispness

Left work last night

completely satisfied.
Glad to go home,

glad to leave behind completion.

I walked into a

quiet night,

low moon,

crisp air,

grass twinkling under foot.

A lovely spring is taking shape.

For Miles and Miles

To help me get back to the gym, because I need help in that area, I am doing this running thing with my friend at work. I invite all of you to play along.

What you need:

• A treadmill/elliptical that shows distance or a pedometer, if you prefer to run outside
• Running shoes
• Clothing (although I guess this could be optional)
• Time to run

What you do:

• Week 1 you run 10 miles -- you can break up the miles between elliptical or treadmill, and spread the 10 miles throughout the week; i.e. you don't have to do all miles in one sitting.
• Each additional week you add on one mile, working up to 32 miles per week, eventually
• For every mile you don't do, you pay $1.

I'm only up to 12 miles. Please don't let me die. I love to run, but I don't think I like death.

Changes

Well, Tom's job is changing and he will have different days off than me for a little while (hopefully) if not permanently (hopefully not). So, I've got to think of some fun hobbies for me to start up on my days off whilst he's away at work so that I don't a) eat the house; b) sleep away the day; or c) spend all our money. Because, you see, I get incredibly bored without anything to do or anyone to do things with. Here are some of the things I'm thinking about taking up in hopes of continually bettering myself and learning a new skill.

• a painting class
• cello lessons
• piano lessons - again
• a ballet class
• pottery

Here are some of the downsides to any of these options.

• I don't know how to paint and am a horrible artist
• I do not own a cello and I can't really see how this skill set would produce anything worthwhile for quite some time
• I already know how to play the piano and I don't think my teeny tiny hands are going to grow in the next litte while
• I am way out of 'dance' shape -- like WAY
• I can't think of any negatives, per se, of pottery, just that it was last on the list because it was the last thing I thought of, which must mean something...

Despite the potential shortcomings of any of these choices, I must choose one. Because I must prevent overeating, overspending, and oversleeping, as aforementioned. Of course, maybe it would be best to just lose myself somewhere and write all day. Hmm, I hate it when things change and the inevitability of choice enters the equation once again. Routine can be so comforting - but I guess I should just kick my own ass into gear.

Out and About

Lots of goings on at our house today:

• Lunch with college roommate
• Niece's birthday get-together
• Dinner with out-of-town childhood friend
• Late-night flick with work buddies

Hopefully I will have time for a quick cat nap...Tom asked me why I booked so much stuff on one day -- but honestly, everything just sort of fell into place this way. It will be a day of catching up with loved ones, gossip, reminiscing, and fun. What better way to spend the day?

Everyone's an Idiot But Me

I often become frustrated because I feel like everyone around me is an idiot. I don't say this to be mean -- rather, I say this to vent so that I don't yell at an inappropriate time how fucking retarded everyone is. I'm also not saying this because I'm smarter than everyone. More so, this feeling comes from the inability to say what I really feel. And what I really feel, at least in the beginning, is only a mild sort of impatience with someone's actions. It has nothing to do with their intelligence (or lack thereof) but rather with situational (i.e. diplomatic) requirements which deem me dumb. Then, as the forced silence grows, so does the frustration and it eventually turns to thoughts of "everyone's an idiot but me" despite the original "offense" of the anonymous other being slight. I hate feeling like this.

I can understand why people have aneurysms and die.

Snowed In

This could happen to you.

Scene: Friday, December 26th 2008. 9:00 AM. Snow. A fuck load.
Tom has just departed for work.

Ring ring.
"Hello?"
"I need you to come help dig me out."
"Are you kidding?"
"No. I'm not."
"Well, where are you?"
"Behind the garage."

Indeed. Tom pulled out of the garage and became promptly stuck. No plowermen had been by and the snow was up to the doors on the car. Now, we live in an apartment. We don't own shovels or snow removal equipment greater than a car scraper. And you must keep in mind that I am 5 feet tall. What help I was going to be in the situation was unknown -- and it actually turned out to be zero. I tried pushing the car while Tom pushed on the gas. I tried pushing the gas while Tom pushed the car. The car was well and truly stuck and I was cold.

Welcome father-in-law. Tom Sr. lives just a bit away and he drives a truck. So la dee da he comes to the rescue. I watched from the garage as Tom and Dad used shovels to save our car from imminent peril (that being snow) and then Tom brilliantly tucked the car back into the garage.

"Okay. Thanks, Dad," Tom says. "Can you take me to work now?"

Yeah - they can't leave - because now the TRUCK is stuck. Luckily, Tom Sr. has chains for just such a rescue mission gone awry scenario. I stood in the garage, watching as they both lied down in the snow, red hands fastening chains onto tires, and then watched with breath held as they drove away - hoping they wouldn't get stuck again or crash and die on the way to work.

End scene: Friday December 26th 2008. 10:00 AM.
Tom has just departed for work....again.

The moral of this story: Wow - snow really sucks ass. I hate you, snow.