Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts

Monday, July 22

Upon the Completion of My MBA

I've been looking forward to this for months -- so imagine my surprise when I could not contain my tears.

I had just finished my final (FINAL) exam, the project was already turned in, and as I packed up my laptop (slipped into my soon-to-die Hello kitty case), I was feeling odd. I thought I would feel immense relief and joy at my accomplishments over the past two years; hard work pays off. Instead my feelings are so mixed, I find myself sitting here -- thirty minutes later -- still crying.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Oh wait, I know.

  1. I am now a grown up. Ahead of me I have endless possibilities. I suppose my education has been a stop gap for the inevitable risks and fears the future holds, as well as a stepping stone into a brighter future. Learning is so solid, so structured. Something I love. I can feel the pressure of "success" and finding a high paying job weighing down on me so heavily, it's a wonder I haven't had a panic attack. Now that I have an MBA, I have no excuses to not succeed, therefore, I MUST succeed or I'll be a failure.
  2. I will miss all my classmates. I had a team of four guys that were my saving grace. They helped me, or carried me, through a couple of my classes. Without them, I would have either sunk or killed myself through the technical courses. I will miss the classroom itself. A place where we all come to learn and unwind from work. Snack night. Cracking a Diet Coke mid class to stay awake. Sharing the markers in economics for the graphs. Studying on Sundays. I will miss the professors. I've never had teachers and students work together so well to enhance the learning experience. 
  3. I will miss the school work. I have a love/hate relationship with homework. I love to be lazy, but I can't stand it. And I love to work hard -- but only after I've delayed as long as possible. School work is not like work work. You can procrastinate and procrastinate and then feel the biggest satisfaction when it comes back: A. I will miss writing papers with a cocktail. 
But the future is bright, friends. And my tears are just a manifestation of the immense promise ahead.

I am learning French. I will be fluent someday.
I will learn to play the cello.
Someday I'll have a couple beautiful babies.
I will write the next great American novel.

Besides, (sniff sniff) my husband is still in school so I can live vicariously through him. 

Tuesday, May 28

Habit Journal Entry #2

Success! I went to the gym twice. I packed up my clothes in the morning and then before I left the building, I was dressed and ready to work out. I even had a successful workout after a trip to Target. (True commitment, friends. You know how much I love Target and how easy it is for me to spend hours and hours there.) Twice is nice, but for the upcoming week I really need to hit five times. Especially when you take into account my weak ass status. Gotta ramp up. The weekend actually was much harder to tackle. I didn't go at all over the looong holiday weekend. Not one time. No bueno.

Where I am struggling the most is the whole not-sitting-more-than-twenty-minutes-at-home thing. This is SUPER difficult. I've decided that I must must must set an alarm. Otherwise, I just veg out, mind and body, and lose all sense of time and ambition. We have so much quality (and not so quality) television to catch up on. The summer season is full steam ahead, regardless of school or our vacation to Vegas. We've got four episodes of Mad Men, a two hour Hell's Kitchen, SYTYCD, and -- cream of the crop -- Game of Thrones. All this TV means I have (HAVE) to sit. So I'm going to try the alarm thing this week and see how it goes.

Wish me luck.
My next report should have lots of successes. Fingers crossed.

Tuesday, May 21

Habit Journal Entry #1


For my business turnarounds class we have to write weekly habit journal entries, evaluating our process and success or failure to either establish or change a habit. I chose to establish the habit of increasing my everyday level of physical activity. In other words, less sitting on my ass.

I prepared a hilarious journal write up only to re-read the assignment and discover that it had to be 200 words or less. Therefore, I have decided to compose two journal entries: a short and sweet one for class and a more detailed, super funny and awesome one here.

So please, enjoy my journey to establishing a new habit. Expect at least a weekly update ... because that is what the assignment is.

***

Habit to establish: increase physical activity. This will be accomplished in three ways.
                1. Go to the gym more often
                2. Walk more at work
                3. Sit less at home

Attempts during the week: one. I attempted to go to the gym on Sunday but was distracted by helping my father-in-law buy a television at Costco.

The opportunity to change or establish a new habit is coming at a fortuitous time. I am rapidly approaching the end of my graduate schooling and am ready to focus on other aspects of my life. I recently turned thirty and it propelled me into a fit of feelings of inadequacy and oldness.

Thirty is not old.

However, I have been feeling the need to make changes to my everyday lifestyle – not a temporary change – but a permanent, lasting adjustment to my habits; hence why this assignment is coming at an opportune time.

There are several obstacles standing in my way to increase my level of physical activity. I am busy so I will delay/postpone inevitably gym time. I love television. I love to read. By nature, I am a home body. Outings are usually things like going to a restaurant or going to a movie. In other words, I tend to be inactive for many hours of the day. That said, last year I modified my desk at work so I stand the entire work week. Bonus for me. (Sitting is a serious killer – I presented on the dangers of sitting last year so ask me if you want to know more about how you’re hacking years off your life every day at work.)

I want to establish cues to trigger the new behavior of being more active. For instance, I believe it will be easiest for me to go to the gym on the way home from work. This way I’m not distracted by anything else; the gym is simply an extension of my workday. Another cue I will work on is the twenty-minute rule. At home, I must not sit longer than twenty minutes without getting up and doing some jumping jacks. Sounds ridiculous, I know, but it actually is really supposed to help.

If I can begin to enact this new behavior I can gain the benefits of increased energy and overall better health. As physical exercise and well-being contribute to long life, I look forward to knowing that I will not die at thirty-one and will hopefully still be able to do the splits (both sides) when I’m eighty-seven.

So why did I only attempt to add all this great activity to my life ONCE this week? The undesired behavior was positively reinforced by several things.
  1. Game of Thrones is an hour long show without any commercial breaks. It would absolutely disrupt the “mood” of the program if I were to get up twice to perform jumping jacks.
  2.  School started and I am forced to sit in the classroom until the teacher designates a break – which is most definitely NOT every twenty minutes. I am being lazy and sitting around like my fellow classmates because it’s much easier and less disruptive. Plus, I’m tired from standing at work all day so the chair feels nice and cozy.
  3.  I had to celebrate Mother’s Day with my mother on Saturday which meant I had a reason not to go to the gym. The positive reinforcement was breadsticks and the playing of Phase 10.
  4.  I did not take my gym clothes with me to work because it is much more enjoyable to shop or read or play Candy Crush at home and unwind from work.
  5. I did not walk more at work because it rained and I was rewarded by staying dry and inside. Or, it was sunny and I was rewarded by staying inside away from harmful UV rays.
As you can see, I have several ways my low activity level is being reinforced – strongest of all: habit. Sitting around is old hat to me and, needless to say, very comfortable.

But.

This is a chance to make the change I want. I must establish the cues to trigger more physical activity. So, to sum up: take gym clothes with me to work and go there straight away, don’t sit at home for longer than twenty minutes without jumping jacks, and walk more at work.

***

Wasn't that way better than 200 words or less? I mean, how can you know what's really going on, to what extent my laziness really went, if I don't describe it for you in detail? 

Monday, December 10

Tis the Season

As you may know, I am not usually all "into" the Christmas season. I mean, I like it, but sometimes it's just a lot of work and stress. This year, however, I am SO on top of things and it's making my holiday season awesome with a capital fucking A.

I had my Christmas party -- it was super fun and really helped me get my house in order for the holidays. Now I can work on Christmas wrapping and present-making in the beauty of my decorated home. The tree is lit up in the corner and the garland across the mantle is gorgeous. I may have a party every year on the first weekend in December to kick my ass into gear.

We are also sending out Christmas cards this year; a first in 9 years of marriage. My fab friend Jen did a photo shoot for us at City Creek and they turned out great. I've promised myself that each card will have a personal note written inside. It shouldn't be too hard because I'm only sending out like fifteen, mostly to the people that see me all the time and wouldn't need a picture of me, but still ...

Most of my shopping is D-O-N-E. (Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.) I went the easy route: I made a spreadsheet for everyone I needed to buy for and then filled in the presents as I decided and bought. Amazon.com saved my (Christmas) life and sent it all to my door step. So I have very little leg work left and it's only the 10th! The best part about being on top of the whole gift giving thing is that I really enjoy giving people I love things they love, but sometimes my procrastination means I have to give something they'll just "like" or "use." My preparation made it possible to think of (I hope) thoughtful presents for everyone.

I've been listening to Christmas music all month, especially The Carpenters' Christmas Portrait. It's my absolute favorite and puts me in the festive spirit like nothing else. I'm looking forward to Christmas -- and all the days leading up to it.

Happy holidays to everyone everywhere.




Tuesday, November 6

Thursday, November 1

Upcoming

I have several projects in the works. I hope I can make them ALL come to fruition, not typical Johanna fashion where it's half started, half finished, forgotten.

*Number 1*
Ladylike Ladies Night
A party with ladies in which we will visit the UMFA, have a classy dinner, finishing with card playing and cocktails at my place. Do you think it's too much to ask guests to wear gloves, a day hat, and a long skirt -- a la Downton Abbey?

*Number 2*
Christmas Preparedness!
I am notoriously horrible at preparing for Christmas -- SO this year I am all about the online shopping. I already have several items waiting in my cart, to be ordered en masse (EARLY mind you) and then I can spend weeks beautifully gift wrapping presents for loved ones. I also am making my papa a blanket for Christmas so I've promised myself I will devote Sunday, Monday, and Wednesday evenings to working on it. Don't forget decorations: they'll be up by the 1st! I have the entire last week of November (after the Thanksgiving madness) to purchase and decorate. Ta da.

*Number 3*
Etsy Shop
This may take me a little longer ... and I'm allowing myself to say that this project might bleed into next year ... but I am starting an Etsy shop! The shop will have beautiful doodles of flowers hand-doodled by moi and then made unique and beautiful with watercolors. I will have stationery, personalization available, and wall art. I've been thinking about it for a while and I'm very excited to see if anything sells. My MBA program is robbing me of all creativity; gotta amp up the left side of my brain.

*Number 4*
Fabulous Holiday Party
Nothing says fun like the holidays. So of course you must have a fabulous party. I want to have lots of embarassing games, and I know white elephant can be so lame, but with my group of friends I think it will be hilarious. Good food, lots of drinks, and warm company. Love it. Just what everyone needs to survive the Christmas season.

Wednesday, October 31

Happy Halloween

@ the costume party.
We won.
Obviously.
Who doesn't need some cynical Fight Club for Halloween?

"You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake."

Monday, October 15

Prepping for the Big Three-Oh

So. In just six short months, I will be (shhh) thirty. And I've been telling my husband and everyone: "OH! Thirty is SO YOUNG!" and "Age is nothing!" and telling myself that thirty won't effect me because I still look young (staying out of the sun and Asian genes have helped) and I'm healthy (thanks to vegetarianism) and I'm in a great place in my life (so happy, tra la la). I will have my MBA next year. My husband is still my best friend. I have a great job. I have awesome friends and family.

Whatthefuckever.
I can feel, deep in my gut, the ticklings of panic.

I
will
be
30

And now I'm telling myself that by thirty I should have done so much more with my life. I should already be published. I should already be making six figures. I should own a home. I should have a super fit fantastic body.

Obviously it's goal setting time. Here are four things I want to accomplish next year, not necessarily by the time I hit thirty, but before I'm thirty-one (i.e., absolutely ancient <--- I'm totally kidding. I think).

Goal 1:
Get a new job. I enjoy the job I have now. I love my coworkers and I feel valued in my workplace as someone who is reliable and competent. But I've been there since 2002 and it's time to move on. It's time to expand my knowledge and hopefully my paycheck.

Goal 2:
Get a new body. I enjoy the body I have now. It is cute and fun and gets me from A to B. But now, I need to have a rocking body because, let's face it, it may now begin the period of loosening and sagging that comes with my age. I don't want to have a young looking face and a crap body. So this means I've got to commit to controlling my portions and working out. A lot. I can do it.

Goal 3:
Get published. I always talk about blah-blah-be-a-writer and blah-blah-be-famous and guess what? That shit ain't gonna happen unless I a) write and b) submit it for publication. I'm not saying I want to have a fucking NOVEL done by next year, but I do need to heft up my portfolio and COMMIT to writing. Less TV, more reading and writing.

Goal 4:
Save more money. I don't want to buy a house necessarily but I do want to have gobs and gobs of money in savings that I can take lavish vacations, feel safe, and whenever I feel like it, buy a house.

Like all control freak, OCD, type A personalities, setting goals and making lists makes me feel as though I have a handle on my fate. I can make anything happen if I just work hard enough. And if there is one thing I know in life, it's how to work hard for things that I want.

Saturday, October 13

Repeat

I have several movies that have been watched hundreds of times. Started, then fell asleep to. Watched while studying. Memorized. Most of them I owned on VHS and during my becoming-an-adult years, they were like old friends, helped shape me in that way that characters do when they get in your bones. Maybe that's just the dramatic part of me acting out, but regardless, here's the list of the ones I love and can't live without.

1. As Good As it Gets
2. Sliding Doors
3. Emma
4. Shakespeare in Love
5. Clueless
6. Fifth Element
7. Marie Antoinette
8. Little Women
9. Sabrina
10. Ever After
11. Far and Away
12. Runaway Bride
13. Gone with the Wind
14. First Knight
15. My Best Friend's Wedding
16. You've Got Mail
17. Practical Magic
18. Sleepless in Seattle
19. Hanging Up
20. The Thomas Crown Affair

Sunday, September 30

What I Really Really Want

File:Maroon-5-overexposed.jpg
Overexposed
File:Approved Cover - Hands All Over.jpg
Hands All Over
Wedding Earrings  Gorgeous Crystal Clear Drop Bridal Earrings on Silver.  Wedding, bridal, bridesmaid
Sparkle via Etsy
taupe buckle boots
Taupe Buckle Boots via Nectar
Personalized iPhone 5 Case, Flowers in Green and Orange, Customized Cell Phone Case
iPhone 5 Case via Etsy
Silver Bangle Bracelet // Salvaged Guitar Strings & Sterling Silver Wire Wrap // Twisted Thin "D" String // Recycled Jewelry //Layering
Silver Guitar String Bangle via Etsy
Pinned Image
Scoop of Sorbet via Modcloth

Wednesday, September 26

Reflections on Pubic Hair

I'm reading this because I heard about it on Fresh Air with Terry Gross. The interview was absolutely hilarious and reminded me why I love Betty Friedan and will always claim to be a feminist, no matter how unpopular.

Because -- let's get one thing straight -- I am a woman and I am fond of all the perks that come with suffrage and the feminist movement.
  • Voting. And being able to vote different from my husband if I so wish.
  • Birth control -- like the PILL and my beloved RING and IUDs and all that loveliness.
  • Reproductive control -- like family planning, i.e., not having children after 9 years of marriage.
  • Vagina entry rights -- like not being forced to have sex with my husband because I'm considered his property; rape of any kind being illegal is pretty important to me.
  • Driving a car.
  • Dyeing my hair any color I please and not being seen as a trollop.
  • The right to get divorced and have a life after that divorce.
  • Not wearing a corset. And sometimes not wearing a bra.
And on and on.

Of course, regardless of how "in touch" I am with my whole being a woman and feeling comfortable being a woman and all the ra-ra-women-are-awesome feelings I have, Caitlin Moran makes some good points about silly things we women do for society or men or a male dominated society. Things which we aren't even aware of being "sexist" or purported by males and then adopted by us females because, let's face it, we still live in a society where no woman has ever been president and Hilary Clinton still gets called a "bitch" and "feminist" is still a word that conjures up images of un-shaved armpits and the possibility of (shh) lesbianism. And just in case you think that we're still not the mysterious (read: witch) OTHER (read: lesser) sex, read this.

So I'm reading "How to Be a Woman" and I come to the chapter "I Become Furry!" in which Moran posits that we women have become addicted to shaving/waxing our pussies completely free of hair because of pornography. According to Moran, pornography sets up our socio-sexual norm and because most kids learn about sex from porn/media, we all grew up seeing either hairless vag in the pornos or hearing about hairless vag from our friends. 

I started chopping my furry muff down to size around the age of 13. I don't know why I started doing this; I'm sure from some shame/puberty/changing-body-anxiety reason. And then of course I started dancing and that meant leotard sans underwear 4 nights a week. God forbid I be one of those girls the other girls made fun of because of (ewww!) pubes. So I started shaving my bikini line. And once I was in high school, I just started shaving all of it off -- too much potential for pube seeing when changing in between dance numbers and for plays. And besides "everyone was doing it." I imagine it was much the same for you too. 

Now, I'm not saying I agree with Moran's desire that we all have "big furry minges" and lie around in hammocks finger-combing our "Wookiees" until the "minge fro" is bouffy and "you can gently bounce the palm of your hand off it, as if it were a tiny hair trampoline." 

But I do like this idea:
"Walking around a room, undressed, in front of appreciative eyes, the reflection in the mirror shows ... a handful of darkness between your legs. Half animal, half secret -- something to be approached with a measure of reverence."

Ooo. Sexy, right? Powerful natural woman. 
I very briefly thought about growing mine back. 
Isn't that great literature? It's making me THINK about habitual actions previously un-dissected.

But here are my reasons why, after much thought, I'm NOT growing it back.
  1. I never really liked it. I don't think it was due to some societal pressure, but just because I, as a human being, am not fond of body hair. I have very little and so to have pubes just seemed weird.
  2. I, like all true feminists, will do as I please. After all, the feminist movement is about CHOICE. It doesn't matter what anyone says about why I do what I do, I like not having any hair down there.
  3. I don't get rid of my hair out of a desire to be more sexually appealing. I (that's right, me) like the clean look of it. And the clean smell of it. 
  4. It's not as if I'm completely hairless and my husband is a disgusting hairy beast who expects me to be hairless. It's personal preference that we both be nice and tidy. (TMI?) 
I think this is a generational thing. And I actually think it's something that we women started. It may have begun with male-dominated porno industry shaving, but once adopted by real world women, we started expecting our men to be smoother than before and trim their own bush. So really, in a roundabout way, pubic hair maintenance by both men and women is just feminism at work. 

Pubic hair is just a sign of the times, and my friends, they are always a-changin'. 
Someday we may be "soooo uncool" with our hairless wackies.

Monday, September 24

Watched While Ill

So sickly.
Stayed home from work.
In delirium, watched two of my favorite movies in hopes of soothing my ravaged head.

Emma.


Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"

Friday, September 21

It Started With ...

So I'll tell you a story. At the bright age of 12 I was allowed to start wearing makeup. It didn't take long for me to discover that even mascara could not change my straight straight straight eyelashses into model-long curls. Thus began a decade long struggle with curlers, smudges, types of mascara, and a general loathing of my eyelashes.

So about 6 months ago I noticed that my chosen brand of super-curling-waterproof-blackest-black mascara by Maybelline was disappearing off the shelves. It was getting harder and harder to find. I realized too late that it was being discontinued -- couldn't find it ANYWHERE and couldn't buy it online straight from the manufacturer either -- so late was my discovery of the discontinuation. I mean, was I being an idiot? Yes, I was in denial.

So now I have this horrible dilemma where I'm absolutely out of MY mascara. And that begins my search for an alternative. I do extensive mascara research (Googling "mascara curling Asians" hoping for a tried-and-true Asian-approved mascara). I try every kind of curling mascara at Sephora. They all suck. Within hours, nay, minutes(!) my eyelashes are failing to look skyward but droop like Snuffleupagus. Hideous.

So I now begin researching eyelash extensions. I investigate eyelash salons. Look into eyelash types of curls, lengths, brands, etc. I post on FB, asking for my lady friends' opinions and get a slew of "NO!" and "YES!" and "My friend does them for $1!"      <-- not exactly but you get the idea.

So I end up getting eyelash extensions. After 2 hours and 15 minutes in the chair, I know -- without a doubt -- they are the most wonderful things to ever happen to my eyes. I love love love them. I look wide awake and glamorous all.the.time! The only downside is ... wait for it ... they hit my glasses. They flutter up and down so beautifully and then snag on my glasses. This is as annoying as shit.

So yesterday I went to the optometrist and got contacts. Victory! I managed to overcome my fear of things near/in my eye and put the gooey orb in and out of my eyeball. As Tom says, "I'm becoming a grown up."

Why am I telling you this story? So you can see how one small change brings about big change, brings growth, opens you up to new possibilities and new experiences you never thought you'd embark on.

Be brave.
Make changes.

Image

Thursday, September 20

The Here & Now

I have been so busy living my life this summer that I haven't written since my birthday.
I am very negligent.
But I've been having an oh-so awesome summer.
    1. We were forced to move out of our adorable little cottage into an even bigger cottage. (Will post pics later and tell the horrific story of the moving-out situation ... or maybe never; I'm trying to forget the trauma.)
    2. Progress towards my MBA is moving right along.
    3. We went to Cancun and -- literally -- did nothing. We just read and read and read and ate a little and drank and met fun people and swam in the ocean and snorkeled and played beach volleyball. Best. Vacation. Ever.
    4. The puppy turned 3.
    5. Tom turned 29.
    6. We celebrated 9 years of marriage. Go us!
    7. With the bigger house we've been enjoying lots of company. Movie nights, dinners, parties. It's fantastic to have the space to entertain ... something we didn't have in the old house.
    8. My favorite person moved back to the USA.
    9. My brother and I had an awesome sister-brother date.
    10. I got kinda fat ... working on it!
    11. My wonderful friend C gave birth @ 41 to a beautiful baby boy. I cried when she called with the news. I never do that but her story is an amazing one.
And -- I hate to say it -- I didn't blog AT ALL. Too busy reading and watching gobs of trash TV, and good TV, and just loving the awesome weather and all of my ultra fab friends and family.

So sorry if you've been missing me. Chances are if you read this blog, we were actually hanging out so you weren't missing much.

Coming up -- fall and winter. Gag.
But!
I am working on a new blog for the puppy which is part of a whole move to exploit/market my little dog.
I am working on an update to this blog ... possibly an actual .com address.
I am working on my body for my up and coming 30th birthday (AAAHHHH!).
I am now getting eyelash extentions. It's one of the most wonderful things to happen in my cosmetic life.

XO.



Thursday, April 19

Happy Birthday Me

Today is my birthday and it makes me happy.
I'm spreading out the celebrations for five days, an extravaganza. 
The puppy and I even had a mini-party.


Yesterday my marmy took me out for lunch and a pedicure.
Today we had a birthday potluck at work.
Tonight Tom will give me my birthday present.
Tomorrow, dinner with friends.
Saturday luncheon with my ladies, followed by a late night house party.
Ending the birthday fun with Sunday dinner with the family.
So grateful for the wonderful people in my life.
I am loved.
Blessed.
Amazed.

Monday, March 19

How Beautiful It Is


Truth.
Why I love my life;
full of moments of nothing,
followed by rest.

Wishing you the same.


Wednesday, March 7

Hump Day

To brighten up your Wednesday: a baby tapir.
I have loved tapirs since I was a little girl and read "Tilly the Tapir."
I have tried to find that book, all about a tapir who is so tired
(tapirs are generally nocturnal)
she doesn't manage to do anything.
But to no avail.
I think I may have the title wrong;
is it Tilly? Tully? Tabby?
The book was very old when I had it,
probably published in the 60s.
It smelled old and delicious, like paper and glue and ink.
The spine was broken.
I hope to find a copy of it for my own children.

I have plenty of time ...


Monday, March 5

From Beyond

I cried on my lunch break today.

I was eating a grapefruit, carefully extracting each segment and then sucking out as much juice and pulp as possible, and listening to a 'This American Life' podcast from a few years ago. The stories on this episode were about parents trying to impart wisdom on their children and how best to get that child to remember. The first story was about a young woman who's mother passed away from cancer. The mother knew she was going to die and she wondered how she could make her daughter remember her, how to make her know how much she loved her. So she decides to write her daughter letters, to be given by her husband on birthdays and her wedding day. These letters obviously were very emotional for the daughter. She feels love from her mother, she feels guilty that she has disappointed her mother for leaving the Mormon church, she feels inspired by the encouragement her mother writes.

In short, this could have been me and my mom.

And as the story came to an end I found myself crying over my grapefruit. Just recently, we had a scare that my mom's leukemia was taking a turn for the worse, and I ran through the mental preparations for death and funerals and life-after-mom. It's something I've done many many times. She's had leukemia for over half my life now. She was diagnosed when I was around twelve and intially they told her she had six to nine months to live. I don't remember how I felt then. Was I scared? Was I sad? Did I cry? I must have done all those things but they are so distant and I've felt those same things so many times, that those first feelings get lost in the wash. She's had many scares, many times when we were on the "last chance" and after living with that for seventeen years -- you start to wonder how many chances you have left. How many lunches you have together. How many phone calls remain. Looming death does strange things long term. You simultaneously hold your breath and move on. You take things for granted. You cherish stupid things. You wait.

But during all this waiting we've been doing, life has been happening. And I've grown into one of those cliched daughters that starts saying, "Mom really knew her shit." I realize now that every.single.thing my mom did for me or said to me, magically composed a Johanna over the years. My mother is one of those incredible people that loves so fiercely, it's completely encompassing. I have so many memories of her, vivid, vivid memories, that she will never die for me. And it's been a comfort to know that even when she passes on to whatever is after this, she was such a strong person that she left a massive imprint on my life, on my world. She is larger than life -- therefore, she is capable of surpassing death.

Love you, Mom.

Thursday, March 1

Just Dance

Image



I've done the whole return-to-ballet thing. It was tough. Super hard on my body and even harder on my schedule. Now that I'm back in school, I don't have 5 nights a week to commit to 2 hour ballet classes ... and if you don't put in the time, you don't progress. Ballet is something you can't do half ass. If you try, you'll be so pissed off at how you can't do your splits, can't grand jete worth a damn, can't fouette, and your feet will hurt and hurt and hurt.

But modern jazz? That's something you can hop in and out of and really enjoy. Your old skills come back and you end the once-a-week hour-long class feeling like you had a fantastic time and actually danced ... (ballet can be a lot of technique, followed by more technique). Plus, my high school chum Becks is back in town for the year so she and I and our partner in crime, Hope, are abandoning our families on Wednesday nights in order to dance, dance, dance.

The other day (post finance class freak-out) I actually thought: what would I be doing if I hadn't stopped dancing? If I hadn't been sensible and chosen a "career"? Once upon a time, I think I was actually pretty damn good. And better at modern than I was at ballet, simply because my body wasn't made for ballet even though my heart was. I could be a teacher, dancing every day. I could be dancing every day with a company. But this is a dream. In reality, I probably couldn't have cut it. I get sick of artsy people. I need boring stability, if only to make my quirkiness seem more original. I like creative people in small doses ... except for myself, of course.

With that dream long gone, it makes me smile that I can still dip my toes in and revisit my old love.