Fluff

Here is something I hate:

I'm at the gym and I'm in trekking class. I'm in front of the fan because I get so overheated that I will get sick and pass out if I don't have circulating air on my face. I am running, no, sprinting. And I am sort of gasping for air. Slowly, my breathing catches a hint of stink. The hint eventually turns into a decisive point -- and where is it pointing? To the guy next to me who has apparently passed gas while running full speed.

This is disgusting on several levels. First of all; I am running. I am breathing deeply and each breath feels like it might be my last. Do I want my last breath to reek of ass? Second of all; his farts were super stinky ... like a dead animal. I'm thinking, what is this man eating? He smells like he's about to rot. Thirdly; where is the common courtesy? The treadmills at my gym are upstairs and fans are kind of scarce and the air is hot and muggy. Can he not just a) hold them in or b) at least jog away to expel his disgusting puff?

I admit, I was pretty rude after the first fart was followed by many and I realized that apparently his jogging was compressing his bowels and that he would be releasing gas the entire HOUR LONG class. I started putting my hand up to my face under my nose. I would take my towel and whip the air in front of my face. I would roll my eyes and make a slightly (but really more than slightly) disgusted noise. I would turn my head away in a most determined fashion. I hope he got the hint. The hint being: if you are farting, it's time we were parting. And hopefully he was appropriately embarrassed and will think twice about his treadmill etiquette.

Rustling Noise

I'm sitting in a meeting and over the sound of my manager's voice, I can hear some sort of rustling sound. I am unsure of what the sound is - but it sounds slightly human. I shift my gaze around the table, looking for the source of the noise, and I land my eyes on one of my co-workers. He is breathing through his nose so loudly that I can hear his nose breath over the sound of human speech. He sounds like a dog on the hunt, or maybe a pre-septoplasty individual. What exactly is going on? Did he just finish running a marathon? Is his mouth suddenly sewn shut and he is in a slight state of panic, causing him to breathe extra heavily?

It makes no sense.

And now, every time I work with this individual, I hear his loud nose breathing. I have previously written about how much I hate mouth breathers, and now I must add loud nose breathers to that list. Which is the lesser of the two evils? I'm not sure. Perhaps people should just breathe normal...

Under Where?

Ladies out there: let me introduce you to my friend - the thong.

Don't be frightened. The thong is not your enemy, nay, it is your new best friend. Panty lines are only sexy if you're only wearing panties. We don't want to see your granny ass underwear outline poking through your pants/skirts/ski pants. Underwear is supposed to be a private thing. I mean, you wouldn't wear a lacy bra with a t-shirt, would you?

Now, if you really really hate the thong, you can try the boy short. These differ from the thong in that they provide full coverage - so full, in fact, that they eliminate panty lines in most pants, shorts, capris, and even skirts. But beware, if you're wearing something super tight or if you lack sufficient junk in the trunk, they'll still be noticable (perhaps even more so than regulars). Just TRY the thong and see the difference. Your clothes slide on, no gripping or sticking on bulky panties, and your behind always shows its most attractive non-lined side.

Best advice is: wear a thong and you'll never go wrong.

Foaming at the Mouth

Please swallow.

There is nothing more disgusting than someone who speaks and spits and seems to have an excess amount of saliva flying out of their mouth at all times. Is there something wrong with swallowing? Perhaps swallowing is suddenly "so out" and drooling is in?

Well, if this is the case, count me in the out crowd. I swallow. I love swallowing so much I do it on a regular basis. This simple action helps me maintain a mouth that is not overflowing with spit, but is, instead, a fantastically polite part of my body which can offend only by the words coming out of it; not raining on my audience.

Now, I am well aware that some people's salivary glands work overtime. And for you, I sympathize. You are the people who hate to fall asleep in class because you wake up with a track of drool down your face and to the desk. You are the people who gleek when giving a long speech or lecture. You are the people who, when excitedly debating, must apologize for spitting on your friend. The unintended sleep-drooling can't be helped - but please, when you're speaking to me, swallow.

Mouth Breathers

Are you a mouth breather? This is a question that everyone should put in the back of their mind. Then, when the context of the question is somewhat forgotten, the question should be pulled out and applied to the self. Are you (that's YOU) a mouth breather? Because you shouldn't be...unless you're doing one of the following:

1. walking super fast
2. running
3. yelling a lot
4. having sex (perhaps this could be rolled into #3)
5. hiking

Please shut your damn mouth. No one wants to smell the odor of your breath. Everyone hates your breath. Whether it smells good OR bad, it is a private thing - similar to the smell of one's genitalia; only to be shared in the most intimate of situations. Breathe through your nose...and quietly. I work with a man who I can continuously hear breathing. Granted, he's not breathing through his mouth (thank God) but the sound of air whistling through his nose is so prominent I often think there is a draft.

If you find yourself needing to breathe through your mouth when you are not doing one of the approved activities, please get yourself to a gym so you can improve your lung capacity. Now.